(CELEBRITY) ASK AUNTIE SCOTTEE

(Celebrity) Ask Auntie Scottee
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(CELEBRITY) ASK AUNTIE SCOTTEE



Written by Scottee
01 Friday 01st May 2009

Dear Aunty Scottee,

The other day, after a celebratory drink turned into a bit of a sesh, I found myself back in a hotel room with lots of little Nepalese men. We all jumped in the tub together and things just escalated. The next day it was all a little awkward, but the ten of us went our separate ways and no one mentioned the incident again. But just the other day I felt this excruiting itching in my knickers. I took myself to the doctors and it turns out I've got an awful case of the crabs. And now I feel I should say something, but I don't know which of the little chaps gave me the blighters. What should I do?

Joanna

Come on chaps, everyone back to mine! Anyone got a sheath?

Joanna,

Sounds like you've been sucking Gurkha gherkin! mmmm.

We've all done the midnight check-in and the 6am walk of shame but jumping in the tub for a bit of a gang bang was not so Ab Fab!

There are a few groups out there that can help you get back on track. Ideally you need some focus in your life - what about dipping your tow into politics?

Scottee X

 

Which of you taxpayers want to pay for my second home? I'm a bit short.

 

Dear Aunty Scottee,

I think I might lose my job. My boss said my behaviour was ‘totally unacceptable’. He’s such a dick. What should I do?

Hazel

 

Dear Hazel,

Do the nation a favour you dwarfy bitch - top yourself.

Best,

Your aunty S X

 

Dear Aunty Scottee,

I've had a little bit too much. All of the people start to rush. How does he twist that dance, can't find my drink oh man. Where are my keys? I lost my phone (phone ohoo).

Best,

Miss Gaga

 

Dear Gaga,

Where are my keys?

So the rumors are true - you are a cross-eyed wench. But you are funny - funny peculiar not funny haha Gaga!

You've caught me during my jam week so I'm going to rip into you, something Ross or my sisters the four poofs should have done...

Take your fucking tea cup, take your dodgy hats and your Christina cast offs and fuck off back to New York, where - for the record - none of my performance pals have a clue who or what you are, which blows your 'I started as a NY performance artist' story out the water.

You're really a man.

Bye.

Scottee

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