Female Doctor Who: The Most Shocking Potential Casting Choices


Written by Jake Moss
17 Monday 17th July 2017

The casting of a woman, Jodie Whittaker, as the new Doctor Who has caused widespread rage throughout the entire angry white man community. The announcement of a woman taking over a (fictional) man’s job has led to the bristling of neckbeards across the land, with the rate of furiously stamped-on fedoras also skyrocketing. I mean, who’s ever even heard of a female alien with two hearts and a magic screwdriver? He’s a timelord, not a timelady! Perhaps the main message to take away from all this is: who cares? But the overreaction has led us to think: which potential casting choices would lead to a flurry of nerds throwing themselves to their doom down the stairs of their mum’s basement?

The New James Bond - Whoopi Goldberg

How do you like your Daily Mail Online commenters? If the answer is both shaken and stirred, then just wait until Whoopi Goldberg - star of 90s cinematic masterpiece, Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit - steps into the frame as the brand new 007. And quite frankly, why shouldn’t she? The James Bond franchise has been criticised over the years for its blatant sexism and racism, so casting a middle-aged black lady to play the famous spy would really stick two fingers up to these claims. Plus, isn’t a nun’s cassock basically just a very loose-fitting tuxedo? And besides, who wouldn’t want to see Whoopi Goldberg knock back a couple of martinis and kick the shit out of some Russian geezer with nuke codes and a dodgy accent?

The New Indiana Jones - Michael Cera

He’s a swashbuckling badass who the ladies love, and he certainly knows his way round a whip - Michael Cera is a living legend. And it may well be time for Harrison Ford to understand that he’s actually a very old man, and maybe he should stop crashing planes into golf-courses before he does himself a mischief. This could be Michael Cera’s moment to take up the mantle and give the series a much-needed Millennial reboot. It may finally be the dawn of a more sensitive Indie - perhaps he’ll even be renamed Indie Darling Jones. Instead of his trusty brown hat and his vicious bull-whip, he could have a cosy beanie and an endearingly self-aware brand of awkwardness. And why should he be an archaeologist and an adventurer? Why couldn’t he just be an app designer who loves a Netflix binge? It’d be way more #relatable for us quirky Millennials lol.

The New Sherlock - David Blunkett

cc: Shiregreen

Benedict Cumberbatch has quite frankly been hogging the role of Sherlock Holmes lately - give it up Benedict, you greedy otter-faced whopper. It’s time for the nerds to understand that there’s such a thing in this life as equal opportunities - so give former Home Secretary David Blunkett a shot! Sure, he may be blind, but you don’t really need to be able to see to be a good detective. Solving mysteries really just comes down to instincts, so why not go with a man who’s spent his entire career carefully navigating various sex scandals, as well as the corners of numerous coffee tables?

The New Avengers - Some Nans

cc: NBC News

“Avengers assemble!” “Sorry? What was that, dear?”

It’s time for Robert Downey Jr and Chris Hemsworth to step aside and just give some nans a turn for once. Your dear old gran’s been alive longer than pretty much anyone else on the planet, so she has far more life experience than bloody Jeremy Renner. And what is the key attribute of being an Avenger, if not life experience? Ghostbusters and Ocean’s Eleven have got all-female reboots, so why not an all-nan Avengers, I hear you ask? The grey pound is increasingly powerful, so wouldn’t a superhero movie for old people become the most successful film of all time? The answer is yes. Don’t think about it. It just would.

Besides, I’d pay money to watch an Avengers movie where Iron Man’s suit dispenses Werther’s Originals, and the Incredible Hulk disappears for the entire second half of the film to have a hip replacement. And just how much more powerful would Thor be if he had a free bus pass? The mind boggles.


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