Who would survive the Haunted Houses of Parliament?


Written by Don't Panic
31 Tuesday 31st October 2017

Ever wondered how our political figures would fair in a cliched horror film? No? Neither have we, but it's halloween so read this content ok?

Much like the haunted houses of parliament, horror movies are made up of a host of idiots and bad decisions that will leave you screaming things at your TV like “don’t go in there” and “don’t trust him” and “SAVE THE NHS”.

So here it is, a cliched list of atypical political figures and their horror movie troupe counterparts:

Female Victim:

Usually blonde and attractive she appeals to a wider male, misogynistic audience. Often appearing stupid and annoying yet still unwavering she is one of the only characters the audience sometimes will to be killed. She isn’t typically the first to be killed, but when she is killed, it is usually gruesome or graphic. This character helps build up suspense in the audience, as her behaviour often puts them on edge and makes them uncomfortable.

Which semi-political figure makes the public feel uncomfortable most? Katie Hopkins of course. Who else could be willed by so many to just stop chatting shit, at any cost!



Male and female couple, so preoccupied with each other that they don’t notice the killer, even when he is close to them. The audience are often shouting at these characters and are frustrated by how oblivious they are. They have an impact on the audience, as they get frustrated at them, putting the audience on the edge of their seat as they build up tensions further. They are usually killed just as they are about to have sex.

Who else builds tension amongst the public whilst cosying up to one another better than Donnie Trump and Theresa May (apart from Trump and Putin)?

The Jock:

The jock is a very cocky character and is usually found trying to make a move on the blonde. This character is always a bully to the other characters. There are two very common ways he dies: One is by being cocky.  He will often try to go after the killer, inevitably getting himself killed.  The other way is while relieving himself through some bodily function (i.e. sex or urination). He is so full of himself he typically goes out saying something along the lines of “Come on try and beat me!” then shortly dies.

Who could fill the jock’s tiny sneakers?  Bojo johnson fits the bill; arrogant, foolhardy and always cycling, the inevitable political death of this busty blonde will be welcomed with cheers just like the death of his jock counterpart!

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The Nerd:

To begin with audience will listen to this voice of reason and be reassured and calmed by them. He is extremely aware of his surroundings and can tell when something isn’t right. However, others don’t believe him. He can become hysterical because of this and make rash decisions for the purpose of self-preservation… but these decisions make him vulnerable to being killed. Often ridiculed and made fun of by the Jock or Blonde Girl the audience tend to have more of an emotional attachment to this character. When they are killed the audience will panic and all sense of security will disappear, nobody is safe.

Who is the political figure than can sometimes make rash decisions and gets made fun of by the popular bullies? Owen Jones fits the bill because we’re all rooting for him really.


The Final Girl:

She exhibits intelligence, curiosity, and vigilance. She's got a clearer head than the rest and makes all the right decisions. The character has integrity and purity that the others lack. We all love the final girl because she grows as a character; she has more depth that the others, and proves to be the strongest out of them all.

Who is the purest political figure of all? He doesn’t lay with evil (corporations) and has stuck to their morals? And who fought against all odds to make it through? It’s Jeremy-Lee Corbyn!


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The Villain

The evil character in horror films can take many forms but if they are human they will usually conceal their identity. They will never react in a normal way to injuries giving them an inhuman edge. They play on the fear of the unknown and the audience's primal fears. This character undoubtedly has the biggest impact on the audience.

And who's the villain, the bad guy in the mask that will end up getting them all in the end? Power. Power always corrupts. It has and always will be the death of all political figures.

See,  there’s one to make you think!


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