You are getting older and time is moving at an exponential rate. Before you sit down and think about your entire life, remember that there is one event on the horizon that can stall reality for a few more months: Festival season! *Wink face emoji*. To train and prepare for the ultimate endurance test of all, here is a Must Read Guide to get you in fine fettle for festival festivities.
Should have def worn sunnys
At any festival sunglasses are to be worn in all weather conditions. Sunny? Wear sunglasses. Thick fog with dangerously low visibility? Better put your shades on. Night time in a tent with no lights anywhere? Shit, you need those sunnys. Why the blanket eye coverage? Well, if you’re a care free millennial who pisses into the wind, you’ll probably ingest substances that will A) make your eyes look like a Great White’s or B) make them resemble macerated cherries.
Even if your jaw is swinging like Newton’s Cradle, there’s no need to make it worse by fixing people with your terrifying stare, so put those Ray-Bans on.
In order to best prepare your eyes for the impending days of gloomy filters, wear your sunglasses in bed, at night, in the pub, in the office, in the shower, in the car, out the car, when it rains, when it thunders, when you’re alone, when you’re not alone. This is the only way you can begin to adjust your eyes, and guarantee you won’t lose your best pair of shades that you found on the floor at Shambala that one time when you were meow meowed off your testicles.
>tfw lost your m8s and no phone battery
This is a mandatory bit of preparation, visualise it: You’ve been lost for two hours, hopelessly wandering the camp site in search of the ‘friends’ who abandoned you by the toilets. The sun is setting as you fall to your knees and scream their names, wailing like an injured Private in Passchendaele’s no man’s land.
And then you remember. You have a phone. Just one call can reunite you with Becky, or Hattie or Ben, or whoever, and you can all don your straw hats and watch Mark Ronson’s DJ set like you had planned. You go to dial, only to be met by a dead battery. You watch Mark Ronson alone, with only your reflection in your phone’s blank screen to keep you company.
So, how to avoid this? For the next four weeks you will leave the house with 10% battery and make it last the whole day. Do what you must - turn off 3G, avoid answering calls from anyone but your mum, delete all apps and only use the phone in extreme emergencies. Retrain your mind and think of the phone like a safety flair. When you begin to falter, just remember: Mark Ronson! Failing all that above take a Nokia 3310; they last forever.
Part of any festival is queuing. You are encouraged to queue for everything and anything. The moment the gates open you queue. To urinate – queue. To eat falafel – queue. To leave - queue. So, its best to start preparing now. This is best done by joining all queues you see. Doesn’t matter what it is, just join. Think of yourself as the queuing version of a Navy SEAL, meaning you can be queuing in any part of the world in less than 12 hours. Who knows what fun you will have if join every queue, where you will end up and who you will meet? The possibilities are literally endless; they just may take an eternity to uncover.
Water is going to be at a premium during a festival. From here on you will replace all non-alcoholic fluid with cider. This will train your liver to extract the most H20 possible from whatever beverage you drink. Or kill you. Either way, you’ll become a super human who can survive in the toughest conditions. Think Kevin Costner in Water World or Kevin Costner in Dances With Wolves. You will chew Berocca for all other dietary needs. Your urine will be like a stream of rave wrist bands and your teeth might fall out, but would you rather spend £3 on a bottle of water or a lukewarm Kopparberg?
At any festival personal hygiene takes a back seat, showering is impossible and wet wipes seem to feel more like used toilet paper than toilet paper 2.0. Luckily, this is one of the easier things to prepare for. It is simple really – don’t shower for 7 days. What you need to do now is learn to suppress the stench you will produce. Go to your local boots and try on all the roll-ons to see which is most effective. Spray yourself daily with Febreeze. Think of your body as a Daim bar – you want to smell like a laundrette on the outside and a rotting piece of meat on the inside.
Making Random Friends
Post festival blues are often soothed when one looks through the pictures of all the crazy fun you’ve had – you and that surly bloke in the hi-viz vest. You and that random girl you took 2CB with. You and that random white Rastafarian who taught you how to poi. Making random friends at festivals is the spice of life. Striking up bonds with people you would do everything to avoid in normal life is as vital to a festival as lobbing cups of overpriced Tuborg at strangers.
Having really annoying conversations that start with “How’s your festival going dude just love the vibe here man, got a diazepam?” are the common language in whatever Babel you end up camping in. Prepare for such interactions by going into your local Itsu and asking the first person you see for a cigarette. It will only be easier from here.
Go to your local pharmacy and buy all the own-brand Imodium and take them NOW. Remember, you want your innards to resemble to brick wall. You should think about taking the word “shit” out of your vocab for the next few weeks. Turn your toilet into an Airbnb and make some extra cash money.
Release the Kraken when you return.