Guide To Blagging


31 Tuesday 31st August 2010

Being surreptitious (which means being sneaky) and generally good at things has served me in extreme good stead. If you weren't blessed in the genetic lottery or don't want to drop down on your knees and open wide, I've compiled a little guide of tips that you can use to rub shoulders and drink bellinis with the ‘slebs… And all of this avoids the tried and tested way of being the guy with the long tray of arctic roll and iced rose petals. Whatever your preference, fashion, gigs, partying with famous crackheads, or just a desire to be tagged in the Metro as “Nick Grimshaw and friend”, I can make it happen. Just follow these steps.

Do your research
Know who the people running the shit are. Want to sneak into a fashion show? There are two ways. Front or back (unintentional gay pun there). You can pretend to be a dresser or an assistant. It also helps to be clutching something related to your fake job. If you're feeling cocky enough sling a tape measure around your neck. Speak with haste, but not too much haste, they have to understand what you're saying and be breathily excited yet apologetic. Emphasise the importance of your role, but be polite and don't throw a strop if they don't let you in straight away (see Don't be a diva). Also keep an eye out when the actual dressers and whatnot go in, and watch what they do (see Creeping 101). If there's a crowd, try to go in with them.
If you want to go in through the front, look the part. Do not wear plaid, harem pants, ponchos, bedazzled boleros or anything that looks obviously Topshop. You will be exposed as the fraud that you are. As Jay Z says, all black everything. You will not only
look classic, but it's hard to go wrong by channelling Wang, with slim cut pants, and a black t-shirt. Sling on an ironic blazer that looks louche, but really cost you a month's wages. You can be a friend/dog walker/nose powderer of the designer. Whatever your
story is, know it. If they question you, be disarmingly passive aggressive. And keep walking. They can't stop you if you're moving.
Don't be a diva
That is the quickest way to get found out. There are varying levels of diva, but the two main ones are Beyonce and ex-reality star. Beyonce, you are not, I like to tell most people. Kicking up a fuss and making a scene will get you nowhere. There is a fine line between standing your ground and being a twat. Politeness goes a long way. In life, to service staff, and to door people who has a delusional sense of power. Kill them with kindness. Make them feel like they're doing YOU a favour. They'll be so charmed, they'll apologise to YOU. Be gracious, however, because no one likes a supercilious twat.
Rally the troops
When I was a young(er) one I once blagged me and my compadre into Kanye's secret gig even though neither of us was on the list. The secret? Form a mutiny. There was a whole lot of other freelancers mooching about, too shy to be bolshy, but too principled to just leave. People love a leader. Be that leader. It's easier to say no to one person than to a crowd full of crazed people paid by the word. If that fails, while they cause a scene, you slip around.
People will not know who you are, but don't let being at an event go to your head and do a Miquita Oliver and try to force them to know who you are.
London, although a sprawling metropolitan area, is not as large as you'd hope it'd be. Specifically, if you frequent certain areas, you are likely to see the same people over and over. I have the unfortunate occurrence of running into ex-T4 presenters, such as
the aforementioned. Now what Miss Oliver does, is bump into people on purpose and apologise profusely so they clock that she looks somewhat familiar and burst a blood vessel trying to place. However doing that to 4-5 people in a 30 sq foot place is not ideal. People will think you are either clumsy, drunk, an attention seeker or all of the above.
Dress in such a fashion that no one can see your face, so they won't know how to turn you down.
Take a leaf out of Pandemonia's book. He or she (or it) is a 7ft inflatable monstrosity who unfortunately is at a lot of places I'm at and scares the shit out of me. Shaniqua isn't a typical girly girl, she's not scared of spiders, or bees, or wasps, or the other stuff girls scream about, but this scared the seven shades of shit out of me. I was crossing myself and all. But the beauty is, you can't see he/she/it's face. Not saying you have to dress in latex, but fashion an outlandish outfit. Things to embrace; large hats, eye patches, sequinned capes and anything from your mum's closet. Things to avoid; anything GaGa wouldn't wear or has worn. This may seem like a rather narrow definition, but channelling everyone's favourite pop diva, without dressing like her is the key here. It also helps to be extremely tall so practice walking in heels. If you have to look up at people, no-one will respect you.
If you fail following any of these steps, give it up. Either you didn't prepare enough, or you just don't have it and should stick to staying in and watching Grandma's House, which by the way is a pile of wank.

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