The World's Weirdest Bikinis


24 Sunday 24th June 2012

The World's Most Expensive Bikini by Susan Rosen

If you’ve got the cash have a splurge on this daring ensemble. Created by Susan Rosen it costs a whopping $30 million but I can’t say you’re getting that much for your money. It might well be made out of the most ridiculous diamonds known to man (Steinmetz Diamonds to be exact) but the coverage is appalling. Made up of 150 carats in all, it consists of a pair of round-cut diamonds, an emerald-cut one and a pear-shaped one, all held together with strings of platinum. Lather up in sunscreen if you do dare to bare and if that 51 carat diamond near your woo hoo starts to pinch just remember; no pain no gain.

The Bacon Bikini

Up next is every man’s dream. The bacon bikini. A sizzling pile of pork scraps layered over your privates. Whether it’s any good against the harmful UV rays plummeting towards earth is undecided but at the very least you’ll smell like the hangover cure from heaven. Ketchup not included.

The Fried Egg Bikini

To go with your bacon butty why not try this Fried Egg Bikini and round off your bikini breakfast with a double dose of protein? Obvious though it may be, for those flat chested among us it might be the perfect way to hit back at snide remarks. Then again it could provoke myriad remarks about the size of your breasticles.

The Dissolvable Bikini

This next one caused a bit of a stir when introduced by the German’s a few years back. The Dissolvable Bikini, originally designed for men who want to seek revenge on ex-lovers, is perfect for a lady with an appetite for attention. Take a dip and in a few seconds what once was will be no more. Just make sure to check for children before doing so - exposing yourself to kids is so not a good look.

The Bay Watch Bikini

For those faint hearted few The Bay Watch Bikini (yes you read that right) is designed to be the swimsuit equivalent of a life jacket. Style-conscious lifeguards are the main market when this bootylicious creation comes to be but I’m sure it won’t be long before we’re all inflating our tits at sea, whether we’re at risk of drowning or not. Come on, it’s like asking a kid not to eat candy.

A bit of nostalgia surrounds this next one, playing on our long love affair with bubble wrap. A playful creation that is sure to spark interest if worn in public. My advice would be to keep it behind closed doors, however. The temptation might be too much for some people to handle and the resulting exposure very embarrassing.

Slipping one in just for laughs we felt everyone had to see this hand groping monstrosity. The lady wearing it is obviously pleased with her slap and tickle approach to beach wear but I can’t help thinking it’s a little too out there. Tasteless is a word that springs to mind but then again I am writing about the world’s weirdest bikinis so what did I expect eh?

The Solar Powered Bikini

Gadget enthusiasts will be pleased to hear that the bikini is no stranger to innovative design either. This surprisingly normal looking swimsuit is in fact solar powered, and can recharge anything with a USB port. Designed by New York entrepreneur Andrew Schneider it’s made up of wafer-thin solar panels sewn together with conductive thread. Safe in water and resistant to electric shocks, it saves having to find a socket but I’m not sure how comfortable you'll be.

Which creation would you dare to wear?

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