Written by Caroline Doyle
09 Monday 09th August 2010

I’ve never been skiing. Never really had the urge to go. I always dismissed skiing as something for rich kids, and maybe people who live on mountains. There’s all that expensive paraphernalia, and ski lodge scene – the melted cheese though, I could go for the melted cheese.

After seeing Adam Green’s new film Frozen, I can categorically say I’m not planning on ending my ski embargo anytime soon, no matter how much melted cheese is on offer. Frozen might just do to snowy peaks what Jaws did to the sea (or at least do to chairlifts what Titanic did to big boats). And as well as forcing me to add wolves to my list of scary things in the world – thanks Adam Green – now I’m also afraid of snow, chairlifts, and because of their similarities, probably hailstones, monorails and cable cars too.
The scariest thing about Frozen is that it’s not ridiculous. Now I haven’t seen any of the Saw films (you’ve probably guessed I’m a bit of a ‘fraidy-cat), but I can only assume that through the gagging, deep down you’re not afraid because the whole concept seems pretty implausible. Getting trapped in a chairlift because the operator has forgotten about you could, like, totally. happen.
I’m not going to dwell on the story: the bones jutting out of shins, the screams of a man being eaten by wolves, the frostbite, the remains of another man being eaten by wolves, and worst of all, the wholly unconvincing male banter between the two guys, because it was depressing. However, it could have been a whole lot worse.
How about instead of being stuck with your mildly irritating boyfriend and his friend you were stuck with your boyfriend and his friendly uncle, played by Meatloaf, therefore adding a whole new time sensitive element to the storyline because frankly, those cables ain’t gonna hold forever.
Or you were stuck up there with Seth Rogan because, well y’know – he’s Seth Rogan. “Hey Seth you can totally jump from here, it’s not even that high...what, wolves? No no, they’re mountain rabbits...”
Apparently, in some showings in America people actually fainted because of the tension (which is interesting because presumably they were sat down...). But with such a response, maybe this will pave the way for more similar creations – a whole genre of worst-possible-scenario films.
It’s like everything’s been done now; who needs to learn a lesson from a film, or get any kind of catharsis or resolution. We will actually pay to watch a group of people make a series of bad decisions, and head for almost certain death – we are sick and wrong.
Well, I don’t know about you, but I just love going to the cinema and watching some sprightly, fresh faced twenty somethings slowly lose all hope and start to eat the fat one because they’re stuck in a lift, or on the tube, or in the lingerie section of a large department store.

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