Written by Don't Panic
31 Thursday 31st October 2013

The show follows three main characters struggling to make a new life in the UK. There’s sweet Wakana Fukui, the Japanese YouTube star, brought to Britain by her father and trying to make it as an online pop culture reporter; Natascha Leboushkin, the high-maintenance widow of a Russian octogenarian millionaire who has come to Britain with her stepson Neblov, with the aim of finding a rich new husband and our favourite Tallah Khosravian, a Middle Eastern entrepreneur who came 17th on the Dubai edition of The Apprentice.

We caught up with business woman Tallah and asked her what her ten top tips were for doing business Luisa Zissman style….


By Tallah Khosravian (BA Hons KLM FBI B&Q Doctorate)

1/ Luisa Zissman doesn’t like apostrophes

Grammar is like pigs. It is an unsexy thing that doesnt need to be there. The only grammar worth using is the sexy looking ones. Actually you dont even need to spell words right as long it looks sexy. This would even work for re-vamping an old brand – apply this rule for sexy results, Just take a look:

Internal Kream (change all C to K)

Cream is boring. Kream is sexy. Remember being sexy is the most important thing…. Fact.

2/ Luisa Zissman never takes her make up off


Makeup is who you are. Never take it off. Even when you are in bed, even in the shower, even when you are at a breast cancer charity event that requires you to not wear any makeup. It is your new skin and your new skin is Boots No 7.

3/ Luisa Zissman never lets her mind wander from business

It is important to stay focused on your goals. You must stop any impure thoughts that aren’t about business. Purify yourself in an ice cold waterfall to get back on track. A frosty business baptism. If you cant afford a waterfall, stand in front of brick wall with garden hose. Luisa Zissman demonstrate in this picture:

4/ Luisa Zissman sells sex stories

Sex sells. This reminds of the time I sold my story to the Khaleej Times for 297.04 dirhams. It was the most sexual experience of my life.

When I was on TV show Emirates Executives (the Dubai version of the apprentice). The sexual tension between me and HH Sheik Mohammed Wallah bin Rashood Maktoum al-Sugar III was at boiling point. So, I decided to leave the show and as I was being forcefully escorted out of the building by his staff, I felt his right index finger brush against the tip of my hair. Even though his back was turned I knew it was him or maybe the security guard. Its such an erotic blur…..

Like listening to sped up audiobook of “50 shade of grey” read by English man Joe Pasquale.

5/ Luisa Zissman knows her numbers

Its important to keep up with the world of business.

Luisa Zissman said in the Apprentice heat exclusive shoot - “Always keep an eye on the numbers. The most crucial thing is you need to know your numbers”

I totally agree I know all my numbers off by heart:

Moustafas hair salon: 0207 4875787

Mouroush: 020 7581 5434

Emirates Mall UAE : +971 4 377 2 000 876 450 741 something , something

That was all off the top of my head … I didn’t check my phonebook once, Caaa ching!

6/ Luisa Zissman says “You have to make decisions because sometimes you just have to make decisions”

This is a very clever business technique known as repetition. Make sure you repeat things over and over again. It takes up valuable talking time especially if you have nothing to say. This way you can say less and get paid the same amount of money. This is known as repetition. Which is a very clever business technique. Make the decision to repeat yourself because because its very clever and sometimes you just have to make decisions.

7/ Luisa Zissman knows who she is

It is important to look inside and realise your potential. Luisa Zissman has “the energy of a Duracell bunny, the sex drive of Jessica Rabbit, and the brains of Einstein”. I have searched deep inside my soul like bored shop assistant sifting through Harrods lost property department. I have the heart of a camel, the strength of 20 camel cigarettes and the intelligence of 2 Luisa Zissmans.

8/ Luisa Zissman has white teeth

All entrepreneurs have a secret to their success. I like to smoke cucumber flavoured shisha pipe. Luisa Zissman likes to put strange objects in her mouth. Before she goes out she puts a massive teeth-whitening device in her face. After sucking on for a while it makes her teeth shine bright like her personality. She has more confidence than a hairless lady in Miss Dubai Beauty Pageant. Confidence breeds success.

Also, it helps to brush your teeth everyday too.

9/ Luisa Zissman hates long words- Don’t use big words Less syllables the better…

Big words not good. They hurt brain and mouth and make other people frown in bad way.

“Be the show make the doe – aim high get the pie, know the biz get the jiz”

Rinse, repeat. Or don’t repeat. Keep it short.

10/ Luisa Zissman is a multi talented individual

Not only has she got a great business mind but she has so much more talent. She has big talent in attending D list celebrity parties, she can change outfits twice in one night, and is amazing at repeating herself which is amazing. If a dancing dog can win Britain’s Got Talent then I fail to see why Luisa is not allowed to enter Crufts. A dirty dog can win a competition that thousands of humans enter, and Luisa is more talented than about 30 dogs.

And finally…..

Luisa Zissman has big assets … AND NOW YOU CAN TOO!

Get the upper-hand in business meetings with my Luisa Zissman chest enhancer! Only £399.99 (excluding post and packaging and other fees that may apply but which I can’t tell you about just yet)

To catch more of Tallah’s Business genius in action watch Going Native on BBC I player:

Here is a teaser on youtube:

Or catch it on BBC 3 Fri 1 Nov at 11.45pm

Follow Tallah & co on twitter: @tallahbizness @wakanafukui @nataschaussr

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