NOW PEPSI AND HEINEKEN ARE INVOLVED IN POLITICS, WHICH DRINKS SHOULD SPONSOR 2017'S ELECTION CANDIDATES?

Now Pepsi and Heineken Are Involved in Politics, Which Drinks Should Sponsor 2017's Election Candidates?
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NOW PEPSI AND HEINEKEN ARE INVOLVED IN POLITICS, WHICH DRINKS SHOULD SPONSOR 2017'S ELECTION CANDIDATES?



Written by Jake Moss
03 Wednesday 03rd May 2017

What a couple of weeks it’s been; not only did Pepsi solve police violence, but now Heineken’s defeated all bigotry. I barely remember the times before these drinks brands came along and vanquished all the hatred on the earth. All was darkness, and lo, now there is light - thanks Heineken!

With drinks companies wading into the world of politics, it’s only a matter of time before the 2017 general election becomes a battleground for competing beverage marketing teams. Soon, these companies will have to side with a particular candidate and you will be voting not for the most qualified person for the job, but for the beverage that best suits your constituency. Let’s preempt this inevitable liquid revolution and decide which drink should sponsor each candidate.

Theresa May

Owned by the corrupt drinks giant, Diageo, Smirnoff will surely be the first to side with Theresa May. In fact, the Prime Minister and Smirnoff share a very similar set of ideals; over-inflating figures, lying to the powers that be, and leaving uni students completely fucked. Also, it makes sense for Theresa to be sponsored by a vodka, as both are more than used to sitting in a Russian’s back-pocket.

Jeremy Corbyn

Although he’ll undoubtedly be reluctant to side with a drinks brand, it’s surely only a matter of time before Jeremy Corbyn becomes the first ever socialist to be sponsored by Vita Coco coconut water. The Labour leader is truly the coconut water of the British political scene, with his inherent moral goodness and his commitment to national health. However, he too shares coconut water’s greatest flaw; it may be good for you, but it’s difficult to ignore the weird taste it leaves in your mouth. Plus, a coconut couldn’t run a country either.

Paul Nuttall

Traditional, thick, meaty and above all British; Bovril will be rubbing their hands together in glee at the thought of sponsoring Paul Nuttall. With UKIP faltering, having blown their political load with Brexit, Nuttall will surely be delighted to be supported by such a wholesome beverage, and it’ll keep him warm all throughout next winter at UKIP headquarters when they can no longer pay the heating bill. 

Tim Farron

In the upcoming election, Tim Farron will almost certainly be sponsored by Evian. They’ve desperately been looking for a candidate who they feel can represent their product and, in Farron, they’ve finally found a man who’s the political equivalent of water; he’s transparent, he’s underappreciated, but ultimately he’s just a bit wet.

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