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The 2015 Election: How Ed Miliband’s Sandwich Altered Our Reality


Written by Jake Moss
10 Wednesday 10th May 2017

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2015: what a year it was. A dog was poisoned at Crufts, Jeremy Clarkson punched a man, and everyone was still alive. We were all so young and carefree. Remember how we danced in the streets throughout late November? Our lithe bodies cavorting under the arcing spray of a fire hydrant, celebrating as Andy Murray secured Britain’s victory in the Davis Cup. Ah yes, those heady days of 2015. They were simpler times.

But David Cameron’s victory in the general election, two years ago this week, was the point everything changed for the UK. And it can truly be pinned down to one moment: the bacon sandwich. What if Ed Miliband, a man now plying his trade launching eight-out-of-ten level zingers on Twitter, had been able to successfully eat a sandwich? How different it could all have been.

Welcome to an alternate reality. Welcome to a post-sandwich world.

A Tale of Two Sandwiches

It’s the morning of 21st May 2014 and Ed Miliband is gearing up for his general election campaign. Approaching the buffet table, he stops and assesses his options. On one tray, a chewy, intimidating rasher of bacon pressed between two slices of Warburton’s white - a real high-risk food for a man of his status, both to his campaign and to his cholesterol. And on the other tray, a delicious roast beef sandwich. It’s invitingly soft, wholeheartedly British, devilishly sophisticated - and yet, boldly commanding. The sort of sandwich you could take home to the parents, but then can’t wait to get back to yours. A saucy hunk of meat in sexy wheat clothing.

Miliband pauses for a moment, weighing up his options and steadying his nerves. Steeling himself, he nods and grabs the beef sandwich, placing it firmly on his plate. He sits before the baying mob of press, their cameras at the ready, and he absolutely destroys it. I mean, he eats that sandwich with all the charm, panache and confidence of a young Brando. Seriously. It’s genuinely the best thing since sliced bread - while simultaneously involving sliced bread. It’s a Miliband master-stroke.

The camera flashes erupt, but after a moment, the photographers stop. A deathly silence grips the room. What have they just seen? They drop their cameras. They stand. They clap. Who is this noble slayer of sandwiches, they ask, devouring his roast beef with such power, yet such poise? Who is this dark-haired demi-god come down from above to save us?

Well, ladies and gentlemen. He’s Ed Miliband: the next British Prime Minister.

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