Christian Metal Hitmen


Written by Robert Foster
08 Wednesday 08th May 2013

In fact, Christian metalcore is big enough in the states for it to be worth not really being a Christian, but pretending to be one if you're the kind of person who's all about the Benjamins and keen to get your sweaty paws on more Benjamins. One imagines that Tim Lambesis of well known Jesus botherers As I Lay Dying was one such big fat phony, either that or a solid contender for the Worst Christian Ever title previously held by gay not gay pastor and crystal meth enthusiast Ted Haggard. I'm no student of the Gospels, but I'm willing to bet all my oxen, frankincense etc on hiring hitmen to murder your ex wife being something that's frowned upon by the baby Jesus. 

But worry not, sandal wearers, she's totally fine, it turns out Tim tried to hire an undercover policeman to bump her off, which as you'll know if you've ever tried to have someone killed, is a huge no-no, and as a consequence of that classic first-timer's mistake he's been arrested. Check it out:

So what happens now? Well, we can probably look forward to the kind of teen uproar that accompanied Lost Prophets' singer Ian Watkins recent noncing arrest, but with less swearing. As for Tim himself, it certainly looks like he's going to do a bit of bird, and probably find god again (jail tends to do that to a person), then I wonder if he'll make any more Christian music? If he does, he'll certainly be testing the American evangelical community's capacity for forgiveness, which -as Ted Haggard would attest to- isn't as good as their literature might imply. My advice to the post-prison Lambesis would be that his best bet is to take the Johnny Cash route, playing the role of lapsed/fallible Christian and selling records to secular folks, because he's just made himself 1000 times more interesting to those of us who like rock and roll to have a genuine element of danger and intrigue to it.

But before all that goes down, as one Gawker reader pointed out, he should probably get his Hebrew tattoo covered up before he goes into the main population in prison, those guys aren't super psyched about diversity.

UPDATE: Shouts to my pal Med for screengrabbing As I Lay Dying's Wikipedia page before this got taken down:

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