Foo Fighters Pull Out Of Glastonbury - Who Should Replace Them?


Written by Jack Blocker
17 Wednesday 17th June 2015

The band has had to pull out of their headline slot at Glastonbury after Dave Grohl broke his leg at a show in Sweden. In a long statement on the band's website, the always entertaining Dave says the doctor has told him to take it easy for a while. You can read it here. Otherwise, here's an x-ray of his leg, to prove he's not a faker:

I know I just said this is sad news for FF fans, but I'm currently racking my brain to try and ascertain if they actually exist. I'm pretty sure I haven't met one since I was 10. When I picture a Foos fan now, I envision middle managers called Neil blaring 'Best Of You' as they drive home to their batchelor pad (a one bed in Orpington) in a second hand SAAB. These aren't the folks you want at your festival anyway.

This is an opportunity! A chance to get an act that people really care about. On that note, let's look at the options:

Taylor Swift

Not only is she the greatest pop star of our time, she might also be the greatest person of our time. I'm always reading stories about her being nice, giving people money and generally not treating her fans like shit. When you think how superior she is to all of us normies in almost every single way, that's an extremely amazing thing for her to do!

And unlike the Foo Fighters, her music hasn't sounded the same for the past 20 years. Go Taylor!

FKA Twigs

She's incredibly talented, British and from what I hear she puts on one hell of a live show. Booking her would also suggest that Glastonbury has the faintest idea of what's cool right now. Detractors may say that her appeal is limited, that her fans are limited to dreary, self-righteous hipsters who make digital art about gender politics, and trying to stock a field with them would be the axe that lops the festival's head off, killing it forever. That's probably true, so this can be a 'maybe.'

Gucci Mane

Gucci Mane released about 16 mixtapes from jail, I'm pretty sure he could handle a headline slot at Glastonbury.

Stone Roses

Here's the band with a couple of Gold medallists, in one of the worst photos I've ever seen.

These guys are looking like a popular option. They'd certainly satisfy the folks who signed the get rid of Kanye petition, as well as festival-goers who utterly refuse to believe the world has advanced beyond 1994.

Hudson Mohawke

We're blessed with one of the best DJs/producers in the business right now. Let's whack him on the decks at Glasto and turn it into an amped up outdoor version of The Arches, even if it will still be a field full of flags.

Florence and the Machine

Fuck. They've just been confirmed as I was writing this.


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