Love Island Gets Political


Written by Jake Moss
24 Monday 24th July 2017

Hark ye, the bells of ITV2 - the end is nigh! Yes, tonight truly marks the death of a most beautiful era. The sweaty, horny curtain is being pulled down on Love Island 2017, and millions across the nation are shedding a tear, as the melodic cry of “I’VE GOT A TEXT” rings out for the final time. Kem, Olivia, Chris and various other personal trainers from Essex are set to disappear from our screens for good - now they’re doomed to wander the earth alone, only to be found advertising whey protein on Instagram, or making guest club appearances in Redditch.

So where must the people of Britain turn to now when they wish to watch grainy infrared footage of muscular people solemnly fucking under a duvet? Certain niche areas of the internet? Perhaps, but it just won’t be the same. In fact, this series of Love Island has brought about more positive change in this country than any recent election. Has Theresa May ever brought about something as great as the reformation of Blazin’ Squad? I think not. And did Jeremy Corbyn’s manifesto even mention the word “grafting”? Not even once. If our politicians have never felt the pain of getting snaked by Amber, how can they truly understand the plight of this country? Perhaps they never will - unless, that is, they enter the island themselves...

It seems the only place to go from here is to stick some of our biggest politicians into the next Love Island alongside a bunch of fame-hungry gym rats. But why on earth would you want to inflict that upon us all, I hear you ask? Well, here’s why.

It would get some of the politicians out the country

For a start, it would get rid of our top politicians for a while, which would undoubtedly be a good thing. We’re living in a country where Jacob Rees-fucking-Mogg is one of the favourites to become Tory leader - a man who’s basically an over-privileged otter being played by Hugh Laurie. And one of the other favourites is Boris Johnson, which says all that needs to be said. If this is the situation we’re in, then we might as well just dump a whole bunch of them in a Majorcan villa, while we try to work out what the fuck is actually going on.

A symbol of Brexit

Surely there is no more pertinent representation of our political future than having all our major politicians trapped on an island without any access to the outside world - really, it’s Brexit in a nutshell. Completely isolated from everyone else and made international pariahs, May, Corbyn and Vince Cable will have no other option but to describe their “types on paper”, before getting screamed at by a furious swimwear model full of Prosecco, and fucking each other out of terror.

Theresa May might get a tan

Her skin looks as grey, flaccid and lifeless as the growth of our economy. Just get her in that Mediterranean sunshine for all of our sakes, so it no longer looks like we’ve got Darth Sidious for a prime minister.

Who’d pair up with whom

It’d be fascinating viewing to watch as the politicians started to pair up. Would Corbyn and Diane Abbott rekindle an old flame? Maybe May and Philip Hammond would finally act on the crackling tension that’s been brewing between them. Although May would undoubtedly then snake her way into a cheeky coalition of chaos with Arlene Foster of the DUP round the back of the fire pit. It could all result in something beautiful - like a Corbyn guest verse on the new Blazin’ Squad track.

Love Island is democracy in its purest form

No first-past-the-post bullshit on Love Island. If people don’t think you’re genuine, then you’re out the villa. This might be something Theresa would struggle with, seeing as she failed to convince the electorate she wasn’t an unfeeling robot sent back in time to push over nurses and kick firemen in the bollocks. Of course, she might be more comfortable with the endless gossiping and betrayal in the villa. In fact, all our politicians are already used to shameless backstabbing, so at least it’d turn their pathetic bickering into unmissable TV entertainment - imagine Prime Minister’s Questions, but with tequila, sunstroke and blowjobs obscured by well-positioned bedding.

Maybe they could come to some sort of agreement

I mean, it’s a long-shot, but maybe - just maybe - when banged up together in a villa for two months, in an atmosphere that’s 50% tears and 50% jizz, the extreme proximity might force them to bury their respective hatchets, work together and actually enact some positive change. Maybe a saucy night under the covers with Michael Gove would teach Jezza not to make promises he can’t back up. And perhaps Theresa May could come to actually understand the people she leads after a sloppy heart-to-heart with a bricklayer from Chelmsford.

If we’re to survive this dire moment in British politics, then putting Jezza and Theresa on Love Island may be our only hope…

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