Musical Chairs: The Cultural Consequences Of Another Coalition


Written by Joel Defries
29 Wednesday 29th April 2015

This is a closely fought election with barely a percentile between the red and the blue. In all honestly, it is becoming rather drab – all the parties say one thing and a second later they say another, until a peer/old creepy man is accused of something morally questionable, although he's not able to stand trial because he cannot “remember his name”.

But, my learned reader, to not vote may have more repercussions than you think. There is a myriad of political partnerships that may be struck in order to get either a Labour or Conservative party past that post. But what effect will this have on our music scene? Well, in a scientific poll I have devised from my brain I am going to give you a brief overview and explore it. 


Picture it now: a soft touched Milliband being fingered (in the puppetry sense) by a strong-minded Sturgeon. This much-maligned coalition will see the untimely return of Scottish depressionists Glasvegas. They will embark on a mammoth arena tour supported by the Fratellis and Deacon Blue. Then, after a stirring slot on Jools Holland, Sharleen from Texas will reignite her solo career. 

This will then pave the way for the seminal Scots Travis to release their first album in an all too short two years. The charts will be littered with depressingly fraught Scottish/EMOs howling their hearts away and thus the musical landscape will be changed forever. They will call it the true “Scottish Indie-pendence” because all music will sound like Freshers accomodation at Nottingham Trent circa '08. Grime will disappear, we will all have curly hair and wear tiny leather jackets. 

HudMo might stick around though.


“Madness? Cor yeah - fackin' love em. Bad Manners? Cor yeah - fackin' love em. Mike Reid singing racist Calypso music? Cor yeah - faaaaaackin' love em.

This Farage-Ron collab will see the rise of white men performing jingoistic calypso all for the sake of banterific appropriation. All other music will be banned as Farage and his Kippers neglect their manifesto and try to make British Music for British People. But don’t be fooled; none of this Ben Howard and James Blunt soft pansy stuff. Enough of this floppy haired shite! It is time for proud men and women (but mostly proud men from Skegness) to get their slice of the musical pie. A wealth of new bands will be on our airways.

They will have names like Anti-establishment and will cover the timeless Linford Chrsitie classic “Keep on running” but turn it into “Ukip on running”. It will be number one for three and a half years before everyone decides that they have had enough and leave Britain to live in a quieter more socialist Scotland. The Neverendum will then finally be pushed through and Scotland will vote ‘Yes’ to independence. However, Scotland will be over populated with southerners and England will only have 40 people left in it creating a civil war like never seen before. 

Labour outright majority  

Here's Tony shredding on his Strat

Phew! You breath a sigh of relief; delighted that the strict austerity measures are about to come an end. The NHS will be ring fenced and life will be better once more - right? Wrong! With everyone feeling a bit more hopeful due to change there will be a resurgent rise in the dreaded genre that is alt-country folk – a resurgence like you’ve never seen before. You thought Mumford and Sons were the worst thing in music ever, impossible that they could sell any more albums? Well, you were sorely mistaken.

Shit is going to go cray. Every new band will wear braces and trilbies and every person on your street will order from Ocado. Every lead singer will play the banjo and your progressive dad will learn to play the banjo. When you urinate all that will come out of your genitals is twee, you’ll be forced to say, “don’t mind me, just nippin off to the gender neutral room for a twee”. 

I can see you shriveling at the thought. No choice is easy right?

Tory outright majority 

Work in progress

Green party outrigh

Yes we all know that this will not happen in a million years - but just suppose for one second that it does. Two words that will make you never vote Green again. PSY- TRANCE. Every white man will be forced to sport dreads and Bristol and Brighton will form into a ketamine caliphate. It will be impossible to listen to anything else because improved social services and reasonable unemployment benefit will mean we can marvel at our shape shifting hands, while lost in the woods, for as long as we please. 

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