Nickelback Is Fuelled Off The Haters!!


Written by Jack Blocker
14 Tuesday 14th October 2014

Despite making terrible music, suffering merciless trolling, getting married to Avril Lavigne and being Canadian, Chad Kroeger has had a pretty kushy life as lead singer of Nickelback. Although it may surprise your enlightened self, the band has more fans than your blog-centric vision would ever permit you to see. Let me explain you a thing.

There are millions upon millions of women in the world who sport that 'let me speak to the manager' haircut, and between buying scented candles and complaining to customer service depts, there's nothing they like better than jamming out to How You Remind Me on the days their deadbeat husbands have custody!!

Fake Nickeback chest-piece + circa 2003 Walmart bob = Advanced let me speak to the manager

These are the super fans who keep Nickelback's pockets heavily lined and their album sales churning over. While music justice warriors create Kickstarters to ban them from London, register URLs dedicated to their position as WORST BAND EVER LOL and generally grip their agonised butts while jocking bleak BS like Kindness, Nickelback has been quietly raking it in for the best part of a decade.

Although these efforts to mock them are admirable given their terrible music, Chad recently claimed that the band's continued success wasn't down to real fans, but caused by the constant fanning of the flames by the haters. In a recent radio interview, he said this:

"I love it. More controversy that surrounds either myself, my personal life, the band, whatever – I think it's hilarious. All these critics, they're just tireless. They keep ragging on the band. If they had stopped writing all this stuff about us, there would be no controversy left in the band and we probably would have died out years ago. They don't know that they're still responsible for us being around today."

Step aside Drake, there are some new Canadians who live off love + jealousy at the same time!

Recent file photo of Chad

Now that we know they can only be killed with kindess, let's re-visit the tracks we thought we hated, to see if we can glean any joy from the cultural stalwarts of 2003 LETMESPEAKTOTHEMANAGERCORE (move over Staind!)


When I first heard this track, I thought one of the lines at the beginning said "Tired of living like a black man/sick of sending out a sense of feeling." Since then, I've always assumed Chad was one of those racists who believed African-Americans exploited a nonexistent victim status by complaining about institutionalised racism. But I just checked the lyrics, and he actually says, "Tired of living like a blind man/I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling," which is actually a pretty smart line, and not racist at all. (TW: although possibly ableist)

You're slowly growing on me Chad! 8/10


Really feeling this video. Chad is rocking the kind of outfit that makes him resemble the sort of person who'd pickpocket you on a French train, and the main bro in it has a very "Chad Michael Murray was unavailable" vibe to him. Sadly, this same bro is a heroic firefighter, and not even his dime-piece of a gf will stop him from tackling a raging inferno in some forest nearby.

I skipped through to the end to see if he survives, and he does! In this age of ISIS and ebola, surely we can all support a moment as joyous as the conclusion of this video.

Thanks for the feels Chad! 9/10


Every so often a multi-million record selling band full of multi-millionaires decides to write a song about how much of a bummer it is to be a mega-rich rockstar who lives in a giant mansion, instead of a normal person who spends their life at a desk and has to pay for all of their drugs. Good Charlotte did it as did Jessie J, and both of those fuckwits have more money than you'll ever see in your entire life.

Rockstar was Nickelback's foray into this territory, and they really pulled it off with aplomb. The lyrics decry the vacuity of a life dedicated to wealth accumulation and meaningless sex, but then they must have spent a small country's GDP on the video's appearance fees alone. For a band who are often described as boring and pedestrian, I'll give them 10/10 for bucking that trend.

Have you guys got a fave N-back song? If we list our love for them in the comments below, all the hate will disappear and Chad and co. will shrivel up like roadkill in the sun.

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