The Misery Guts Guide To Festivals


Written by Robert Foster
08 Wednesday 08th May 2013

The Festival season is literally moments away, are you excited? I'm sort of excited, but it could go either way. Before we inundate you with hundreds of festival previews for the next few months, by way of a palate cleanser I'd like to voice a couple of my misgivings about fields and tents and music and that. Feel free to disagree.

Festivals: a three and a half day sun kissed orgy of self discovery and new experiences, or a load of old shit? Let's find out...

When did my friends get so upbeat? Why are we making friends with strangers? Why are you letting this guy come sit in our bit of the camp site? We’re not refugees, stop sharing my water with him… Wait… who the fuck is that in my tent? A northern drug dealer? My iPhone's in there!

Cheap drugs
Sounds great, but if you can buy five pills for a tenner what’s in them? Oh, you say they’re ok? Ok then I’ll have ten please. And there’s nothing I can do about the hallucinating and relentless feelings of dread? What about all the puking? Am I supposed to feel the worst I’ve ever felt the next day and then remember I’m at least a four hour drive from a clean bed and some privacy? That doesn’t seem fun.

Live music
So we set up all these tents, got all our best buddies together, got wasted on mdma at 11 in the morning, we've got 12 crates of cheap imported beers to get through and we’ve even got a stereo with loads of batteries. But now you’re making me go stand still and watch some ants on a stage 100 miles in the distance play music I could listen to back at the campsite? The atmosphere you say? What about the atmosphere back at the campsite where we’re watching people do beer bongs and Emma is telling a really amazing story about saving a kid’s life when she was 12? That atmosphere seems more fun, but if you say it’s that important to see this band, then I’ll believe you.



Free love
It’s the third night and we’ve been flirting all weekend, shit’s gonna go down between us tonight, right? Well, I’m excited about that, but when did either of us last shower? Have you any idea what three days of no showers is going to make our genitals smell like? Have you got any idea what three days of cheap amphetamines is going to make my dick look like? You understand my breath smells pretty bad too, right?

Non stop fun
So you’re saying the fun never stops? Not even when I need to go to sleep? What about the quiet half an hour I need before sleep to watch some iPlayer and jerk off to relieve the stresses and strains of the day of fun? No time, you say? What about a nice quiet lie in to recover from all the fun the next morning? Oh, you’re going to burst into my tent at 9am and force me to do a line of K? That seems rather intrusive and unpleasant.

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