The Nerd Dates... Theoretical Girl


Written by James Read
07 Friday 07th December 2007

We’d agreed to meet at The Rhythm Factory at 10 pm. I was taking Theoretical Girl to Dirty Canvas, a massive grime rave where it’s alright to say “shower” instead of good and the music’s heavy. What more could a date want?

So I was standing on Whitechapel High St and the next thing I know had gone 10.15. At 10.20 the lungs were saying “no, no, no” to another cancer stick and my hands were saying “frostbite." I decided to drop Theoretical a line to see what the deal was.

“So where are you?”

“I’m really, really sorry. We’re completely lost and I forgot to save your number and…”

Hang on a minute - she said “we’re”! I forgave her immediately as the prospect of a threesome loomed. Two phone calls later and I was greeted by Amy (Theoretical Girl) AND her new bass player, Caroline. Trying to clock their style, I realised both were rocking 1960s style bobs, what I think they call ‘vintage’ jewellery and dresses that, to be honest, wouldn’t have gone amiss in my grandma’s wardrobe!

The ladies were shocked by his broad knowledge of street slang

After the usual niceties…

“If you’d arrived ten minutes ago you could have blagged fashionably late.”

“I’m soo sorry. Thank you again for waiting!”

Amy is so friendly that I decided it best not to pursue this one any further and we got on with our date. By now it was almost 11 and I had already missed DJ Magic’s set, which left me slightly pissed. I got the booze in and the three of us got down to business.

“So what are your first impressions of a grime rave?” “I feel really out of place. We stick out like sore thumbs!”

Great start then.

I try a little flattery: “You look really smart actually - for a date at a grime rave.” “I do? Oh thank you!” “It’s probably why you stick out so much.”

“What should I have worn? “I don’t know… creps” “What?” “Trainers!” "Ah OK.”

“Big hoops.” “OK.”

“A little bit more flesh on show?” she asks.

“Yeah, I was gonna say; very little in general, or maybe a tracksuit if you just can’t be bothered with all that.”

Awkward silence.

Understandably a little miffed at being upstaged by London's 3rd best free paper

At this point I decided to pull out the presents I had bought for her. The first was an Urban Nerd T-shirt, same as I was wearing, and some perfume (from a free sample pack that I picked up somewhere). A bit keen perhaps?

Amy looked confused. “If you start sweating too much when you’re skanking-out you can use your perfume,” I helpfully suggested.

“We don’t sweat, we’re ladies!”

“You haven’t been in there yet.”

“It’s true!”

I thought this was a good cue to take the girls into the main room.

1) Because old skool garage legends Sunship were banging out tunes from way back when.

2) Because scores of friends were beginning to harass my date and I with the obligatory embarrassments of a drunken night out.

Things got a bit muffled on the dance floor. But I still managed to teach the girls the customary Migraine Skank and The Gun Finger.

The Nerd’s quick guide to The Migraine Skank and The Gun Finger

The Migraine Skank:

A dance move commonly practised at good grime and dubstep raves, implemented alongside sick tunes usually consisting of an outrageous level of bass.

1) Place your right hand on your forehead as if nursing a raging migraine.

2) Extend your left arm and leave it hovering in mid air.

3) Bend down and produce a rocking motion in time with the bass line, while swaying the upper body.

The Gun Finger:

A simple procedure where the arm of choice is extended into the air, fingers positioned in such a way that they become reminiscent of a small pistol… often accompanied by the phrase “zoop zoop.”.

Amy’s Migraine Skank: 2/10 Caroline’s Migraine Skank: 1/10

Amy’s Gun Finger: 7/10 Caroline’s Gun Finger: 7/10

Good show.

Their brapping was so good that everyone ducked

After some serious skanking on my part and a half-hearted attempt from Theoretical & co, the girls decided they’d had enough.

“Did you enjoy the date?”

“It’s the best date I’ve ever been on!”

“You’re lying.”

“No, seriously.”

“Will I be seeing you two at grime raves in the future?”

“I’m gonna be here every week.”

“It’s not on every week.”

“I’ll be here anyway.”

The best date they've ever had. The best!

The date was done. I thought it was going well until the girls announced they were going home to watch a DVD. Waste. I didn’t care! They went home and I went back to the main room to see bassline don T2 do his thang. Piss easy. Roll on the next date...

Theoretical Girl’s next single The Hypocrite is out on XL Recordings 4 Feb. And guess what, it’s the same label Dizzee’s on! Check out her 1960s haircut and non-grimey sounds and if you’re up for some grime-time hit up

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