101 Ways To Keep A Man


Written by Jack Sharp
Photos and illustrations by The Sun, BBC, Essex Wedding Services, Grace Kenyan
28 Monday 28th November 2011

Relationship counsellor Emiliana Silvestri has written a book entitled 101 Ways To Keep A Man — a book The Sun appears to be wholeheartedly endorsing. The book's overall message: “Men don't cheat because they can — they cheat because they are not fulfilled at home.”

“Men have three basic instincts — food, shelter and sex,” says Emiliana, formerly a "honey trap", a woman hired by wives to see if their husbands would be tempted to cheat. “If you nail that as a woman, there's no need for him to look elsewhere.”

But need not worry, unfulfilling ladies, for Emiliana provides some pretty useful tips for you, from baking flans with your tits out to finding a hobby that isn’t shopping or TV shows. Remember, it’s your fault that your partner is sleeping with another woman. When was the last time you baked a flan?

Emiliana, breasts and flan.

Naturally, all women love X Factor, Boots, gossip and lipstick, but sometimes men need more than that. If women expect their relationships to last, they need to step up their game and pretend to read books and stuff, perhaps books like Emiliana Silvestri’s 101 Ways To Keep A Man (available now from all good book retailers).

Actually, the full title of Emiliana’s book is 101 Ways To Keep A Man - Life Sucks When A Girlfriend Doesn’t. You can see why The Sun liked it, it's funny. Emiliana’s book has actually inspired me to write my own book, from a male perspective. I call the book 101 Ways To Keep A Woman, and the first chapter is devoted to teaching men how not to embody the image and personality of Jeremy Clarkson. This is where most men fail.

Sure, us blokes all know that Jeremy Clarkson’s acute observations about political correctness gone mad are both hilarious and true. We all know that his comprehensive knowledge of various car manufacturers makes him a potential prime ministerial candidate. And yeah, sure, he looks great in a pair of 28” inch waist jeans, despite the fact that he boasts an enormous übergut.

But embodying Clarkson’s persona and image, complete with irritating vocal mannerisms and tight denim, is practically relationship suicide. Despite your personal, almost pornographic mental image of Clarkson as something of a ladies' man, all women find him repulsive, and you by association. Also, shouting “POWER!” during sex is a definite no no.

It’s important to try not to urinate on the toilet seat as well. I can’t stress this enough, guys. Urine goes INSIDE the toilet, not on the seat or on the floor next to the toilet. If you must piss on the floor, be sure to clean it up, either with sheets of newspaper, a bag of sand or a disposable towel. Hygiene is a huge part of any relationship, so also be sure to shower regularly to prevent that foul mothball smell you naturally produce.

Typical bloke, lad, geezer, etc.

Compliments can go a long way, too. Make your wife or girlfriend know that she’s appreciated with comments like, “you look nice” and, “that’s an interesting haircut” – stuff like this. It’s also essential that you don’t randomly bellow words like “get in!” and “legend!” in a bizarre put-on deep voice.

We’ve all done it, haven’t we guys? Our favourite football team has just scored a goal or one of the lads has just said something really amusing and/or farted. Our gut instinct, naturally, is to go “whey!” in a forced manly voice. Brilliant. But not for our partners. Remember, if you must yelp “smash it!” or whatever, try and combine it with cough.

Lager is a big part of any self-respecting man’s lifestyle. It looks like carbonated piss, it’s practically heterosexual nectar -- what’s not to like? But believe it or not, lager could be slowly destroying your relationship. You know when you’re at the pub with the lads, discussing which popular brand of lager is best? This is common bloke chat that we’ve all had. Try not to recreate this conversation with your wife or girlfriend. It’s unlikely that she has a stance on which watery lad-brand brew is best and she’ll probably find the discussion boring. Accept that she doesn’t care and move on.

This is a big one: try not to call out the name of your favourite football player during sex. Also, remember that sex is a two-way thing; just because you’ve finished in record time, doesn’t mean it’s over.

Finally, stop greeting friends with phrases like, “Hey, [insert name], ya rapist!” Women don’t find this as amusing as you’d think.

101 Ways To Keep A Man by Emiliana Silvestri is published by Apex Books and priced at £5.99. My book is yet to be published.

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  • Guest: katy.greene
    Fri 02 - Dec - 2011, 16:00
    I take back that comment I made a few days ago cos actually it's equally as sexist towards men
  • Guest: katy.greene
    Wed 30 - Nov - 2011, 14:53
    One small step for man, one giant leap backwards for feminism...