3 BIG U-TURNS THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS WOULD MAKE IN ANOTHER COALITION

3 Big U-Turns The Liberal Democrats Would Make In Another Coalition
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3 BIG U-TURNS THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS WOULD MAKE IN ANOTHER COALITION



Written by Jake Moss
17 Wednesday 17th May 2017

The eagerly anticipated - for journos, policy wonks and the 48%'s dullest members that is - Lib Dem manifesto has dropped, presenting a slew of eye-catching progressive policies to voters. But as this is the party who bent over backwards to accommodate the Tories in coalition, don’t look at these as “cast iron promises”, but more “u-turns waiting to happen”. Sure, they want us to forget all about Nick Clegg's tuition fee fibbing, and prove that under Trusty Tim Farron, they’re a party you can put your faith in - but if that faith isn’t evangelical Christianity, then you can fuck off.

While backtracking has recently been Strong ‘n’ Stable Theresa™'s preseve, the new manifesto is the perfect time to consider just how the centrist party would betray the general public in the future. So, in the unlikely event that they do come to power, how will the Lib Dems inevitably u-turn on their various pledges?

Another referendum

The Lib Dems hate Brexit more than Tim Farron hates sodomy - and they want you to know that for a fact. That’s why, come June 8th, a vote for Tiny Tim is a vote for more voting!

Yes, they’re kindly pledging to give us one more chance to decide whether we want to stay in the EU. Sure, Article 50 has already been triggered, but who cares! Let’s just keep voting! Forever! Even if it doesn’t mean anything! It’s just a bit of fun, isn’t it?!

Reason for u-turn: Probably the bit where he betrays 52% of the country and there’s a massive revolution...

Legalising weed

Mr Farron, or Professor Ganja, as he’s known to his loved ones, is really pushing for the UK to legalise marijuana. In fact, the manifesto claims that £1 billion could be raised from a cannabis tax. That sounds pretty impressive - could this be a genuinely progressive policy that the Lib Dems could really enact?

Nope!

Reason for u-turn: Farron’s too high to pass the law. Instead, he spends £1 billion of taxpayers money lobbying for new episodes of Rick & Morty. When this fails, it causes a huge outcry from the country’s stoner population, whose planned hunger strike ends abruptly after 34 seconds.

Tim Farron Being A Cool Guy Who Everyone Likes

While not an official Lib Dem policy, “Tim Farron Is Nice” may as well be the party slogan. If Corbyn is fast becoming the “cool uncle” of this never-ending election abyss (Lord, please release me from this relentless torment), then the Lib Dems are trying to paint Farron as the “overcompensating stepdad” - the one who might let you smoke a joint, but is less likely to take you to a Hezbollah training camp. A sort of Jezza Lite - now with 80% less socialism.

Reason for u-turn: The fact is Tim Farron will always have an unshakable “vicar in jeans” vibe: a cool cleric deeply suppressing his traditionalist views behind his toothy grin and earnest promises of a “new youth club at the parish”. Sure, Reverend Farron may have said all those dark things about gay rights and abortion, but that was in the past - he’s changed now, alright? He plays the guitar and listens to Muse! Timmy Fazz? He’s always hanging out with gay people! Come on now, our Fazza? Some of his best friends are aborted foetuses!

Perhaps this is actually the most Lib Dem move of all time. Maybe, just maybe, they’ve finally found their holy grail - Tim Farron: a genuine human u-turn.

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