4 British Traditions Paul Nuttall Wants To Bring Back


Written by Jake Moss
31 Wednesday 31st May 2017

UKIP’s blatherer-in-chief, Paul Nuttall, a man who looks like a scrotum someone’s made the manager of a local NatWest, has claimed he wants to bring back detention without trial for terror suspects. As if to further his ballbag credentials, he’s also voiced his support for the death penalty. This got us thinking - which other policies from the past would Nuttall potentially want to bring back?
Hanging, Drawing and Quartering

Why stop at the death penalty? As Nuttall will tell you, there’s no better way to deal with a treasonous wretch than the old hang/draw/quarter triple-whammy bonanza. Firstly, give ‘em a bit of a hanging, just to remind them who this country really belongs to. Then allow them a nice stretch by tying them to a couple of horses, who head off in different directions. And it’s all topped off with a cheeky bit of quartering - truly the easiest way to make sure each of your surviving family members has a keepsake to remember you by. Variations of this execution method were only outlawed in Britain in 1870 - about the time when most of UKIP’s policies started to feel a bit outdated.

The Horse-Drawn Plough

Who needs the European Single Market, when you have the trusty plough? Freedom of movement? What could be freer in its movement than a plough? It can either loosen OR turn the soil - you don’t get that sort of versatility with your so-called European Union! Could Jean-Claude Juncker pull a large wooden-framed plough around a field in Herefordshire? I don’t bloody think so! And that’s why Paul Nuttall is making sure the horse-drawn plough is finally given the long-overdue respect it deserves. Bloody foreign-built combine harvesters, putting British horses out of work… 
Bloodletting and Leeches on the NHS

Feeling a bit poorly? Well, get over it. Dr Nuttall prescribes you a couple of aspirin and an inconsistent track record on NHS privatisation. If you’re really ill, like you’re dying or something, then Dr Nuttall will relent and give you a good old-fashioned leeching. Did you know it’s now almost impossible to have leeches put all over your body for free on the NHS? And it makes Paul Nuttall sick. Sick to his very core. As well as leeches, Nuttall pledges to bring back various other medieval medical practices, such as using urine as an antiseptic (so pissing on wounds) and treating haemorrhoids by sticking a hot iron up your anus. And it’ll all be free of charge on the NHS. Imagine that - a hot iron up your arse and you won’t even have to pay for it! That is, of course, until Nuttall decides to backtrack on privatisation again. But until then, free burnt anus for all!
The Feudal System

Paul Nuttall may look like Burnley manager Sean Dyche, but that is where the similarities end. Dyche is famously anti-feudal, whereas Nuttall is all in favour of systematically keeping the peasants under the cosh - well, UKIP have to win back Tory voters somehow. Nuttall has gone on record to say that he likes nothing better than peasants tilling his land in exchange for military service, so it’s only a matter of time before he tries to #bringbackfeudalism.
In all fairness, retro’s very in right now and what could be more vintage than reinstating a medieval class system? Maybe Nuttall’s had us all fooled - perhaps he’s not so much of a regressive troglodyte after all. In fact, could Paul Nuttall really be on to something with these old-school policies?
… Nope. He’s just a massive backward racist!

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