3 Expat Celebrities Who Should Return To Save the UK


Written by Dont Panic
19 Friday 19th May 2017

The UK is a hopelessly divided nation, with rising inequality, declining standards and diminishing prospects polarising society across communities, generations and national borders. We lack leaders who know how to unite, to craft a vision of what the country should be and what role we can play to build it; unfortunately, in a matter of weeks we have an election and the prospects are grim. Theresa May possesses the incompetent sadism of a Deep South executioner and a fear of even Buzzfeed-level scrutiny; Jeremy Corbyn seeks to guide a country when he can't even keep his party together and Tim Farron has all the prescence of an altar server who has gone missing.

However, over the years we've seen talented individuals flee the country, some for better weather, others for career prospects and a handful for good old fashioned low taxes. Perhaps the UK has suffered with their absence, maybe it's time these A-listers show us the way forward. Here's our picks for best expats to lead the UK.

Philip Green

In the interest of full disclosure, we haven't exactly been matey with Sir Shifty. Sure, we might've thought of him as an asset stripping, tax avoiding, portly spiv, but now we're staring down the barrel of a hard Brexit and second independence, we realise just how much we need him back.

We need a leader who'll put economic growth before dogmatic politics, ignoring Theresa May's immigration fetish and focus on getting a good trade deal with the EU. Green can look beyond fripperies like labour rights and play hardball with Juncker et al, similar to how he has with the UK government over the BHS collapse. We need a real proponent for freedom of movement, which Monaco-dwelling Green will fight tooth and nail for. 

Plus, if there's anyone to bring to life chancellor Philip Hammond's threat of a low-tax, offshore haven UK then it's the Inland Revenue's worst nightmare, Green.

John Oliver

Last year, Birmingham-born comedian John Oliver won an Emmy for his TV show Last Week Tonight. When asked by fellow small screen personality Jimmy Kimmel if that success would be important to people in his home country, Oliver responded "No... because no one knows who I am. I failed in England." As true as this may be, Oliver has become an important fixture in U.S. pop culture by acting as a Midlands Jon Stewart; his blend of satire and activism is emblematic in his campaign to have Donald Trump revert back to his family's original name - Drumpf. 

You couldn't exactly describe the initiative - properly known as #MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain - as a success, which you could say about a lot of satire, but you know what? It made audiences feel warm and clever, like they'd found Trump's Achilles heel. We need Oliver to work his magic in his homeland, using his comedic skills to unite people around feel good parodies, not all this Stewart Lee, Frankie Boyle grimness; you can imagine him waving his arms, shouting about 'Jean-Claude JUNKer!', 'Jeremy Cor-BIN!', 'currency hyper-inflaSHIT!'. Sure, we're going to muddle through this hard Brexit towards a very bleak place, but Oliver will have us chuckling for the duration.

Vinnie Jones

You don't really get more British than Vinnie Jones, whether on the pitch or in a Guy Richie film, particularly when expressing some sketchy views about immigration! Four years ago, Los Angeles-based Jones told the Radio Times that "There's nothing to come back to here. To me, England is past its sell-by date... It's not the country I grew up in. It's a European country now. If someone blindfolded you and put you on a plane in LA, and you landed at Heathrow and they took it off, you wouldn't have a clue where you were." Keeping busy on the golf course and a Hollywood football team, plus acting, why would Jones ever want to come back?

Well, with the Conservatives absorbing UKIP's policies and voters, has there ever been a better time for the Watford-born hard man to act as the Tory regime's enforcer? Jones can personally lock the door when the government shuts it, star in the inevitable Guy Ritchie reboot films and rise to the top of a solely-British premier league. Can Jones unite the public (minus foreign born individuals, Remainers and wimps who hate sports) behind himself? Seeing how potently nostalgic and ill informed he is, it doesn't seem impossible.

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