4 Ways Conservatives Will Make Sure Young People Vote


Written by Gabriel Mathews
04 Tuesday 04th July 2017

Before the election we identified 4 ways the pesky left stole the youth vote from out underneath everybody else (insert link). Post election, Theresa and the right are in a state of panic after realising that ignoring the 1.5 million youth who registered and it’s potential voting power is not a good tactic, hence the very awkward position we have now found ourselves in.


But it’s never too late to teach an old dog new tricks. The Conservatives have announced their trendy new proposal to entice us fickle youngsters to hang out with the rest of the right white middle class, where the grass is so much greener, the air is so much cleaner and the houses are so much bigger!



The UK summer means only one thing for us young, hip, trendy types and that’s endless weekends spent rolling around in a field, scraping mud off our boots and getting sweaty in tents. Corbyn may have been part of the proceedings at Glastonbury this year, but the Conservatives are having their own Glasto and that crusty juggler won’t be welcome.


“Do you want to go to Glastonbury but don’t like the queuing for toilets, close quarters camping, late nights, a vast selection of music spanning multiple genres and huge headline acts…well Theresa has the weekend for you”.


‘The Right Wing’ is a boutique festival located in a field of wheat (she has appeased the farmer since ‘Wheatgate’) just on the outskirts of London - secret location.


The lineup is not announced yet but expect all the heavy hitters who have voiced their support for the Conservatives, encouraging each and everyone of their fans to vote for the right. Expect a huge grime contingent in full force in that case.


Alongside the music you will find fully functioning toilets, ripped straight out of the surrounding NHS hospitals, and bars fully stocked with Sloe Gin and Don Perrignon. What else would you need?


What are you waiting for? Get on the phone to your richer older relative to get your ticket before they sell out.


Celebrity Endorsements

“What else do youngsters like? Well… they like celebrities. Who can we get?”


“Corbyn got JME but who could be the face for the rich masses as well as the young povos be?” A list has been drafted from within Number 10 and a few of the names have been leaked.


One of or all of the Kardashians - Yep that’s right. The Conservatives have a plan in place to first get the family - maybe not Kanye - to the UK, bypass any necessary citizenship requirements, give them a British passport and get them in front of the youth selling the party. It’s not a bad idea to be fair. The Kardashians could sell dog shit to a cat, and would, if the price was right. A couple instagram posts of Kylie with Theresa at the front row of London Fashion Week. A few public appearances with some of the key party members and Kim at Chilton Firehouse and all of sudden the 18 - 25 year olds are leaning waaaay right.


Noel Gallagher - Labour can have Liam, Conservatives are team Noel. In a new development the brother’s feud has turned political. Apparently Liam and Noel were meant to perform together at Glastonbury as a surprise act. They had buried the hatchet. However they reportedly fell out back stage over their political differences.  But that’s fine, let the brothers fight, Noel’s support will help sure up the badboy image Theresa has worked so hard to cultivate in recent months.


Harry Styles - In a clear and direct attempt to win the really...really, young vote The Conservatives have pinned down the heartthrob, boy wonder, recently turned actor. This is a more strategical move than it might appear. This ambassador is one for the future whose expected to catch the youngsters and bring them up in the philosophy of the right. Have each and every right wing policy ingrained in their little feeble brains so the tory manifesto is all they know. As soon as these minions hit 18 there will be a sea of Boris and Theresas ready to savagely cut the public sector and extend the class divide.



“Festivals. Celebrities and… chants. Another thing that young people love. We just need a clever catchy chant and will be stealing those votes right from that grey haired bastard.”


What could that possibly be you ask. Well there is only one thing it can be. And that’s chanting ‘strong and stable’ to the absolute anthem ‘Bread of Heaven’. May’s gone old school with this one and is making hymns cool again.


Social Media...Obviously

Successful use of social media has evaded most politicians for far too long. If one were able to harness the power of any one social media platform without making anyone privy to it want to crawl up into a ball and die, who knows what could happen. Well The Tories have been wondering and will be launching the Conservative Snapchat. It will be host to any and all goings on for the party and it’s members.

Gain instant access and real insight into the life of a tory member. From election hijinks and slashing budgets to racking up expenses bills, it’s got it all! Follow: LadsonTory for more.


If all else fails, May and the rest of the party will turn to black magic and satanic rituals in order to control the body and souls of each and every left voting youngster, before sacrificing them to depths of hell.


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