4 Ways Labour Will Make Sure Young People Vote


Written by Jake Moss
06 Tuesday 06th June 2017

In 2015, only 43% of 18-24 year olds turned out to vote, compared to 78% of those aged 65 or over. With the vast majority of young people voting for Labour, the potential for 2 million extra votes if young people actually turn up could be absolutely key for Jeremy Corbyn, so what will they have to do to make sure the bloody youths show up come Thursday? Well, they’ve consulted their hippest and most happening governmental think-tanks, and devised some top secret plans to get young people to the polling stations on election day. We’ve managed to get our hands on these plans - here are the dirty, dirty deets…


Alarms on iPhones


Based on their extensive research, one of the primary issues faced by Labour is: if they want the youth vote on Thursday, they need to make sure young people actually get out of bed. To combat this, they have installed an alarm on all iPhones owned by under 25s which will go off at midday to rouse them from their Just Eat and ketamine-induced slumber. The alarm will display a flashing image of Corbyn setting fire to all the student debt, accompanied by the repeated cry of “Ooooh, Jeremy Corbyn!” to the tune of Seven Nation Army. The only way to disable the alarm will be to put an X next to Labour on your ballot paper. Otherwise the alarm will continue to haunt you forever and ever, ‘til the final wheezing breath escapes your frail, dying body. Or until you get a new sim card.


Cool Handshakes

It’s scientifically proven that young people love cool handshakes. The think-tank have noted that all the previous ways of showing hand-based affection have died out (only outside the bedroom though, am I right ladies?). High-fives are now purely reserved for men in their late 30s trying to establish physical contact on a first date. Low-fives have died out due to a lack of trust established by the “down low, too slow” hand removal epidemic of the late 90s. Health and safety rulings have decreed that the chest bump is now solely the domain of the jock, for fear that anyone else without the requisite chest muscles will shatter their sternum on impact. Therefore, for every Labour vote cast, Tom Watson and Diane Abbott will complete an incredibly complex handshake. This will continue relentlessly after every single vote for the entire day, until they finally succumb to whichever comes first - heart failure or, God forbid, repetitive strain injury.


Your Local Grime MC at Every Polling Station

Thanks to Labour, every constituency will now deploy its finest grime MC to tear it up on election day. Each polling station will be manned by an MC - Skepta will be spitting bars round the back of a community centre in Tottenham South, while Stormzy will be repping the mandem in a primary school-hall in Croydon North. This policy will become more challenging in rural areas, where the volume of grime stars becomes increasingly sparse. Therefore, MCs will be sent out to the far reaches of the country to play sets and entice young voters. JME will drop some mad freestyles in Rochester and Strood, while Bugzy Malone will spit fire on the mic in Berwick-upon-Tweed. And if that doesn’t mobilise the young people of Strood, then nothing will.


Free Drugs

The think-tank has cleverly identified that young people like drugs. They’ve also noted that young people don’t like queuing at polling stations. This has inspired them to launch their “Long Lines For Long Lines” programme, which will provide youth voters with free cocaine while they wait. It’s hoped that this abundance of coke will provide them with the necessary false confidence to genuinely believe in democracy for long enough to vote Labour.


With all these policies in place, the Labour Party believe that anything short of a 100% youth turnout will be a failure. So get out there and do your bit on Thursday - this is a genuine chance for you to have your say. Plus, there’ll be free Class A drugs and Lethal Bizzle might be there!


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