5 Reasons Theresa May is the Best Person for the Job


Written by Jake Moss
16 Friday 16th June 2017

In spite of her poorly-run, shambolic election campaign, we have to face the fact that Theresa May is our ‘Prime Minister’ - for now. She’s being widely described as a caretaker Prime Minister, just about clinging to power thanks to a grubby helping hand from the DUP, a party so backward that they’ve genuinely taken an anti-line dancing stance (presumably not “feet shoulder’s width apart”, which is a very pro-line dancing stance). Nonetheless, Theresa has proven herself to be the best and most qualified person for the job - of caretaker. And here’s a selection of tenuous reasons why!


Sweeping aside her mess


Theresa has showed her janitorial skills over and over again by sweeping her mess under the carpet. Call an election to get a landslide, but then lose your majority? Don’t worry, here comes Caretaker Theresa to make a speech in no way referencing anything that’s actually happened! How’s that for sweeping up your own mess? Straight under the carpet, no questions asked - a textbook caretaker move.



Wiping (out public services)


It’s a certified fact that all good caretakers are excellent at wiping. Well you ain’t seen wiping ‘til you’ve seen our Theresa wipe out as many public services as possible with her big blue J-cloth of austerity! I mean, who really “needs” firemen or disabled people? When T-May dons those caretaker overalls, she certainly takes care of people - but less like a kindly grandmother and more like one of the Sopranos.


Keeping everything secure


It’s important for a caretaker to make sure everything is secure and Theresa May is very much of the same way of thinking. A janitor might use a padlock, but Theresa prefers to use impossible immigration targets that she knows she could never possibly achieve - not as reliable as a padlock, but they certainly do a job.


Getting rid of sick (people)


One of the worst aspects of being a caretaker is having to deal with puddles of sick, but Caretaker May finds it easier just to get rid of sick people full stop. Who needs a national health service if all the ill people are dead? Not ol’ Mother Theresa! But what should you do if you get ill and you’d prefer not to die? Errm, have you never even heard of Bupa? You idiot.



Going on about rubbish


“Hello, I’m a caretaker and I’ve got to take the bins out.” Come on lads, we’ve all heard a caretaker say this and we’ve all thought: classic caretaker! Be it a snap election u-turn or just plain old condemning the elderly to death, Theresa May is also always going on about some sort of rubbish. She’s a born caretaker!


In fact, May’s a far better caretaker than she is a prime minister - frankly, her janitorial game is as strong as it gets, and Corbyn simply can’t match her. You know what, don’t even start with your whole “But Jezza looks like a friendly old janitor!” bullshit - because Theresa will straight-up bitch-slap you with her mop. Sure, Prime Minister May’s “Strong and Stable” may not have worked, but Caretaker Prime Minister May’s “I’ll straight-up bitch-slap you with my mop” - now that’s a slogan we can all get on board with. So next time you have some shit that needs cleaning up, just drop Theresa an email. Pretty soon, she’ll probably need the work.


Don't Panic attempt to credit photographers and content owners wherever possible, however due to the sheer size and nature of the internet this is sometimes impractical or impossible. If you see any images on our site which you believe belong to yourself or another and we have incorrectly used it please let us know at panic@dontpaniconline.com and we will respond asap.