5 Shocking Moments from Last Night's Leaders’ Debates


Written by Jake Moss
30 Tuesday 30th May 2017


During last night’s televised debate, Jeremy Corbyn and Theresa May finally met. Well, they didn’t actually meet, but they were certainly in the same sort of vicinity - like if Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier didn’t actually fight each other, but instead stood in their dressing rooms and discussed at length how they would hypothetically punch each other, while Jeremy Paxman constantly interrupted them. The big showdown was branded the “Battle for Number 10”, with the more apt “May’s Mumble in the Jungle” sadly overlooked. But what, I hear you ask, were the evening’s most shocking moments? Well, I emphatically answer, these things:
Jeremy Paxman Literally Swinging his Penis Around

You’d be mistaken if you thought this debate was about the party leaders or even the general election itself. In fact, it was actually a nature documentary giving an insight into the life of ol’ Paxo, the political zoo’s aging silverback gorilla. To prove he’s still the King of the (Dick) Swingers and the Jungle VIP, Paxman completely undressed at the midpoint of Jeremy Corbyn’s interview, climbing on top of his desk and beating his chest while repeatedly screaming “Is that morally right?!”. Unsatisfied with merely shouting over everyone, this nude power play from the once great ape was met with shock and dismay by the audience, with one man uttering, “Bollocks. Utter bollocks.” And he was absolutely right.
Theresa May Refuses to Actually Say Anything
For years now, the UK has been viewed around Europe as isolationist and possessing a superiority complex. Having proven them all wrong by voting for Brexit, we’ve now finally got ourselves a Prime Minister impressively adept at a second language: Theresa May managed to complete her entire appearance speaking fluently in soundbites. She avoided actually answering any questions, instead responding with either “strong” or “stable”, and occasionally “strong AND stable”. This meant that none of her answers actually made any sense, apart from when Paxman asked her to describe the characteristics of the desk she was sat behind. At which point, in all fairness to her, her response was spot on and received a deserved standing ovation.
Jeremy Corbyn Hands Out Loaves and Fishes to the Audience

More fool the audience member who ate dinner before attending the debate, for Our Lord Corbyn who art in Islington, did feed the hungry with a packed-lunch of loaves and fishes. Of course, he couldn’t hand out actual fish due to his vegetarian beliefs, so instead used a tofu alternative. So it was delicious tofu sandwiches for all, possessing in protein what they lacked in flavour. And the audience took the horrible sandwiches in their grubby hands and they were grateful and nourished. The furious Paxman, however, smashed up his sandwich with his ape-fists and threw it back in Jesus’s, sorry, Jezza’s face. But as the tofu splattered on to his bearded face and all down his hair shirt, Corbyn turned the other cheek and muttered, “I’ll see you at my victory parade, you posh fuck.”
Paxman Manages to Even Speak Over Himself
Another alternative title for the showdown could’ve easily been “Jeremy Paxman Interviews Jeremy Paxman” - a haughty, growling old man endlessly interrupting himself like a snake eating its own tail. Paxman got to the point where he was even talking over himself - the interruptions coming quicker and quicker, as he was unable to give himself the time to even complete the first interruption before the next one came along. This sorry process continued until he was eventually just uttering a series of yelps and glottal stops, frantically pointing at himself to remind everyone he was still relevant.
Cameron-Miliband: The Sequel

This debate was, of course, the sequel to the showdown between David Cameron and Ed Miliband in 2015. And like all good sequels, it made up for a lack of substance and plot with a surprise cameo from Bill Murray, who arrived in the middle of Theresa May’s interview to save the day. Sour-faced and aging, having made a career out of playing other people, May was certainly shocked to see a man of Murray’s standing. As he stood before her with his Ghostbusters proton pack gun, May paused in shock. She regained her composure and responded simply, “Strong and stable.” He fired, but luckily for her, Paxman couldn’t help but interrupt, taking the full blast himself and getting sucked into the contraption. He disappeared without a trace, leaving only a faint murmuring of an “Is that morally right?!” dancing on the wind.

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