7 Reasons Why Jeremy Corbyn Will Never be Prime Minister


Written by Jake Moss
19 Monday 19th June 2017

Sure, he may have completely undermined Theresa May’s Tory majority, and sure, he may be riding high in the polls with another election potentially on its way, but many still don’t believe Jeremy Corbyn will ever become Prime Minister. But why exactly will this unelectable electable man never become PM? Well, we asked Conservative spokesman, professional fox-diddler and famed anti-Corbyn guff-trumpet, Waldo Toryface-Smythe, just why Jezza will never be prime minister - here are the reasons he provided.


He spends all his time with terrorists

Waldo: “Hamas, Hezbollah, the IRA. How could the prime minister of Britain spend all his time with these detestable terrorist groups? It’s just not cricket. Granted, Theresa May has joined forces with the DUP, but that’s completely different. Yes, the DUP supports terrorists, but these are good, old-fashioned BRITISH terrorists! They’re nothing like those awful foreign ones - you know, the baddies. I mean, do Hamas take a break from terrorist-ing at 4pm for scones and tea? I don’t bloody think so! Savages!”


He wears smelly old jumpers



“What you hippies don’t seem to understand, is that by far the most important thing about being prime minister is being presentably dressed at all times. You simply have to be. A state visit? Presentably dressed. Debating in parliament? Presentably dressed. During intercourse? Presentably dressed. Having a shower? The dinner jacket may be removed due to its high absorbance, but all other garments must remain in place. Prime Minister May is always pristinely presented. Bright red suit, bright blue suit - it doesn’t matter. She looks delightful in any of her brightly coloured suits - like an M&M that’s learnt to power-dress. Gaze upon her, she’s majestic. But then look at scruffy old Corbyn in his smelly hemp jumpers. Does he look like a prime minister? No, he looks like a billy goat someone’s dressed up as a geography teacher. And it makes me sick! In fact, I’ve become so enraged that I’ve just brought up last night’s scallops all down my cravat. Thanks a lot, Jeremy Corbyn.”


Magic money tree

 “Which bloody Tory’s idea was it to let slip about our magic money trees? Now everyone seems to know about them. And I’ll tell you what - if Corbyn starts taxing my magic money tree, I’ll be livid. There’s no way I’m using my tree to pay for some immigrant’s benefits! How will I afford the extension to the Maggie Thatcher Wing of my estate? Would Mr Corbyn sincerely like it if my guests had to stay in the servants’ quarters? Would he enjoy that humiliation?! … Great. I’ve just got more scallops down my cravat.”


He lets poor people sleep in his bed

 “I’ve heard rumours that Corbyn loves poor people so much that he even lets them sleep in his bed. Up to fifteen of them at once all tucked up in there. And not even at the foot of the bed - no, no! They’re actually allowed under the covers! Is this really the behaviour of a prime minister? No, it’s despicable. Look at Ms May. She told me that she met a poor person once and he smelt like a sausage roll. It was awful. She has never met one since and doesn’t intend to, until they learn to behave with decorum and pronounce their ‘T’s. Too right, I say.”


Old limbs

 “Just look at his crinkly old limbs. Look at them! Do they look like the limbs of a prime minister? I don’t think so. Theresa May has glorious, prime ministerial limbs - robotic in their motion and kept far out of the reach of the poor. Proper, good old-fashioned English limbs. Not like Corbyn’s socialist limbs, most likely nurtured in a Soviet gulag! Look at his legs - they hate this country, the pair of them. And his arms? Probably sticking two fingers up at our lovely Queen! Absolutely despicable limbs.”


Too many jam jars




“It’s common knowledge that Mr Corbyn enjoys nothing more than making sweet, fruity jams (AKA the devil’s preserve). Thousands of jam jars line every nook and cranny of his Islington abode. Could we really have a prime minister who owns that quantity of jam? What if there’s a national emergency and he has to take action? There’ll be too many jam jars in his way. If there’s a nuclear attack, what will ‘Prime Minister Corbyn’ do then? Hemmed in behind a couple of marmalades and a raspberry compote - it doesn’t bear thinking about! And what if the nuclear bomb lands directly on his house, spraying piping hot jam all over north London? Quite frankly, all that jam is a risk to national security and I lie awake thinking about it every single night.”


Showing empathy

 “The role of prime minister in this country is to rule with a stiff upper lip. Showing empathy is a sign of weakness. Theresa May has the right idea - an unfeeling robot, uncomfortable with human contact - that’s what being prime minister is all about! What’s Corbyn trying to do with his ‘caring about people’ and his ‘helping’? The prime minister’s job isn’t to ‘care’ or to ‘help’. It’s about showing a solemn dignity, as you kick a fox in the face and stub out a cigar on the back of a factory worker’s head. Now that’s leadership - something your precious Jeremy Corbyn will never understand… Ah, here comes Cecil with my jodhpurs. Good day, plebs!”


Don’t Panic would like to thank Mr Toryface-Smythe for his time and wish him good luck in the next election.



Don't Panic attempt to credit photographers and content owners wherever possible, however due to the sheer size and nature of the internet this is sometimes impractical or impossible. If you see any images on our site which you believe belong to yourself or another and we have incorrectly used it please let us know at panic@dontpaniconline.com and we will respond asap.