A Guide To Dealing With Your Shit Job


Written by Gabriel Mathews
29 Thursday 29th June 2017

It is a rite of passage for everyone at some point in their life to have a job they despise for one reason or another. Whether this is because of a demonic boss who’s escaped the depths of hell to make your life a misery; or possibly you work with bunch of complete morons who, if they lost any more brain cells, would be left licking windows. Or perhaps you have a job so stressful you age twenty years in two weeks with crows feet to rival your nans, baldness to rival you grandads and wrinkles to rival your balls. Either way getting through the day is never easy.


Because we are a kind, caring bunch at Don’t Panic, we have written you a guide on how to get through the day.



Getting up in the morning is always hard, but it’s harder if what you are getting up for makes you shrivel up into the foetal position and hum nursery rhymes. But if you can get out of bed, you are on your way. The best way to do that? Well first off, put your phone on the other side of the room because otherwise you are going to snooze it endlessly. Then you need an appropriate ringtone to wake you up. It’s a subjective thing but I have edited Theresa May saying ‘strong and stable’ over and over and over again. As soon as that bad boy goes off, you’ll be darting across the room on all fours to save your ears from any more pain. If you choose to snooze, you’ll be another alarm closer to being sectioned with your only vocabulary consisting of those two words… ‘strong’ and ‘stable’.


Coffee… Lots of Coffee

Now, you are up and in the office. The commute sucks for everyone so you don’t get advice for the commute - just deal with it and be miserable on the train like the rest of the country.


Whether you are a coffee drinker or not, you should drink coffee. Why? Well, because coffee is a laxative and will provide you with toilet breaks throughout the morning. Once in the safety of the 4 tiled walls, you are free to sit on your phone mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat until they send out a search party for you. But as long as you emerge at some point, no-one is going to question your absence if you’ve been in the toilet because no-one wants to know about their colleague’s gross bowel issues.



39% of your colleagues masturbate at work. If you can’t beat ’em join ’em, literally. Maybe don’t literally join ’em - masturbating at work is already an odd one, so it probably doesn’t need to be turned into a shared experience. I’m not quite sure why people masturbate at work - is there some cheap thrill in that you might be caught by your line manager, publicly humiliated and then fired? Oh wait... that’s right, it relieves stress. It’s not a myth, it’s science. [Insert generic masturbation phrase here] actually reduces the amount of the stress hormone you produce. Science, you saucy minx you.


So when your job gets on top of you, when your boss is hounding you, you have deadlines to meet and you’re behind on your work, just pick up that box of tissues and disappear to the toilet for a bit of ‘me time’.


Live that unemployed life


The famous idiom we’ve grown up hearing a thousand times - ‘the grass is always greener’ - can do one because in this instance the grass is actually greener, and by that I mean your friends, even the ones without jobs, have better lives than you. So just accept it, embrace it and then you can live vicariously through them. They are roaming around in that beautiful green field of unemployment, while you and Theresa May run through fields of wheat desperately trying to escape the displeased farmer who in this metaphor is your boss, your workload, your colleagues and your deepest, darkest fears.


It’s simple: all you have to do is send that ‘wubu2’ text shortly after lunch to find out that your greasy, lazy, bumbag toting, Jeremy Kyle watching mate has just had his third bowl of cereal sat in his pants. What a wondrous life of productivity - a life you are sadly jealous of. But fear not, my depressed full-time employed friend. You can use your mate’s morning to transport you to greener pastures.

Now you have established contact, you can get all the juicy details from this morning's Jezza Kyle to hold you through for another couple of hours. No doubt our favourite host would have berated some mentally ill addict about their problems, which they are all too familiar with, before revealing test results about who the baby-daddy is (that show has a formula that hasn’t changed since it started, the producers must be laughing). What a show, hey?!


cc: Inverse

You only have a couple more hours left. You’ve done the bare minimum to get you through the day and now clock-watching is making you go clinically insane. So that you don’t go crazy, we advise you stop working and trawl Youtube for videos of animals sat on other animals, pimples being popped, and army boats turning sharply. Really go for it - disappear down that Youtube hole we have all too often found ourselves in, and before you know it, 5.30 has arrived and you can return home to moan about your job.


Please bare in mind this is only a guide - if you find more efficient ways of procrastination, do pursue. And if it works for you, share your experience with the group so that we may expand our support network of distractions.

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