Summer’s over kids, and if you enjoy debt and binge-drinking, I very much doubt you’re about to join the army or embark on an apprenticeship in helicopter engineering. You’re off to uni (pronounced “yooooooooneeeyyyyy”), and prior to internet drugs and reading lists, the first obstacle you’ll have to worry about is moving into halls.
Before I construct a concise list of the items you should and shouldn’t bring, let’s get another important issue out of the way first. Even if they don’t ask you directly, the first thing fellow freshers will want to know is how many people you’ve made sex to and how many narcotics you’ve huffed. Remember, none of these reprobates know you, so just keep it between 2 and 8 and weed and “shit charlie lol” and no one will think you’re mental/a liar. Kapeesh? Good, now let’s run through the stuff you 100% don’t need to bring to university:
What you SHOULD NOT bring
They will be giving these things out like political leaflets as soon as you arrive. In fact, many of them will probably come with political leaflets: “Vote Green and keep the planet - and your sexual health - safe for future generations.”
As you’ve probably guessed, the condoms you receive will be the brand X bin liners that your GP stuffed into your hand after your mum made you book an appointment for that thing you agreed to never talk about again. But that’s fine. If you’re worried that the quality of the johnny might not give you the pleasure you deserve, then you almost certainly don’t deserve to have sex.
You’re trying to convince your parents, the taxpayer, and the government that what you’re doing isn’t a total waste of time. The least you can do is not dress like toddler.
George Foreman Grill:
Implausibly hard to clean and they make everything taste like drywall, except chicken breast - which you can’t afford anyway.
Hot Water Bottle:
The only kids who have hot water bottles are the ones who always stay in their room and don’t come out because they’re “poorly.” Everyone hates them.
After two weeks on a diet of snakebite and XL Meat Feast pizzas, your stools will tell you it’s probably better to eat your roughage.
Who the fuck are you? Raymond Blanc?
Can opener/garlic crusher/masher/cheese grater/colander/wooden spoon/spatula:
There will be so many of these in the kitchen that you can just pick one up and start using it and mob mentality will deem it yours.
What you SHOULD bring
Lots of sheets:
that bed is going to see a lot of fluids and no, it’s not because that girl you’ll hook up with will squirt every time you bang her. Sorry bro.
The most toilet paper you can bring, with a few packs of baby wipes for good measure
A big box to keep all of your documents in for when shit hits the fan. Speaking of which, get a bloody provisional if you don’t drive. People who carry around their passports on nights out are bad luck. It’s science.
One deep pan and one shallow pan
One quality kitchen knife
One knife, one fork, one plate, one bowl, one mug (pint glasses can be stolen from pubs #UniLad)
One baking tray
One baking dish
Seriously, I can’t stress the importance of only bring one of everything. Not only will it save on washing up, but all those ‘flat dinners’ you planned will eventually devolve into you and the one guy you’re cool with smoking weed, drinking Fosters and watching Bojack Horseman in your room.
Foodwise, start off with the basic elements of eating - salt, pepper, hot sauce, herbs, more hot sauce, olive oil, vegetable oil, tinned tomatoes, berocca, Naproxen, co-codamol, pasta and any other hot sauces that will make terrible food moderately palatable.
You’re an adult, so I’m not going to tell you what clothes to bring. Though if I can offer one tip, I’d err on the side of “too many pairs of socks/underpants.”
Typical inexplicable uni 'theme' event
Many unis will require you to go to those weird themed club nights, like School disco or whatever the hell they do now. If that’s the case and you fucked up and left your tie at home, just wear normal clothes, smear mud on your face, and say “I’m going as Steiner School.” People will either laugh loads or the joke will fall flat. But you’ve proved you’re a risk-taker by spending £9,000 on a Philosophy degree, so you might as well give it a punt.
1 ⅛ of Marijuana and a small amount of coke/MD:
If that’s your sort of thing, chances are it will be someone else’s too. But you have to feel it out before you offer it round. There’s a fine line between life-of-the-party-fun-guy and token druggy who’s Pete Doherty X Christiane F. to all the kids from the home counties.