A Look At The UK's Next Coalition Of Chaos


Written by Jake Moss
31 Wednesday 31st May 2017


Ah, 2010 - such sweet memories. Flo Rida was flying high in the charts, James Franco sawed his own arm off in “127 Hours” (mainly to avoid having to listen to Flo Rida), and the Nissan Qashqai enjoyed record sales - boy oh boy, what a hatchback. In the world of politics, however, our parliament was hung like John Holmes, with messrs Cameron and Clegg coming together to form a cross-party civil partnership.
And with YouGov’s latest poll now claiming Theresa May’s majority is shrinking and pointing to the possibility of a hung parliament once again, we thought we’d take a look at some political pairings who could jump into bed together in the aftermath of the 8th June.
The Tories and the Green Party
If mobile soundbite machine Theresa May falls just short of a Conservative majority, her only option may be to side with Caroline Lucas’ Green Party. This would therefore become the first ever British government to side with the humpback whale over the elderly. Many will see this as ludicrous, as both have humpbacks and neither can remember where they left their keys. However, as the Tories will soon learn it’s far more difficult to tax a whale than a dying human. What are you going to do with 50% of a whale’s property if it doesn’t even own a home? It would be a stupid idea. Far easier to claim a basic rate of 20% of all its plankton. However, many whales in the top plankton tax bracket will be able to avoid higher tariffs by keeping their krill in an offshore account.
The Lib Dems and UKIP
Should the Lib Dems spring a huge surprise in the upcoming election and actually win some seats, then Tim Farron may have no choice but to clamber into a racist bed with Paul Nuttall’s UKIP. These two men would therefore form one of the least charismatic political pairings of all time - one man who looks like he got beaten up at school, and another who looks like he still goes into schools just to beat up children. Farron and Nuttall - the name alone has the ring of a struggling Billericay funeral home. Nonetheless, their pro-EU Brexit policy is sure to be interesting. This in/out “Hokey-Cokey” stance on Europe would be terrible for the country, but the chaos would be an absolute joy to behold. It says in the Old Testament that a Farron-Nuttall alliance will signal the End of Days. When these two opposing ideologies come together to form a coalition of mediocrity, then surely the end-times will be upon us?
To be fair though, at least they’d agree on gay marriage.
Labour and Plaid Cymru
A coalition may end up being Jeremy Corbyn’s best chance to lead the country, but should this situation arise, where will he turn to? The Lib Dems? No, Corbyn’s Shadow Minister for Peng Tings, JME MP, has already labelled Farron a wasteman, so this is unlikely. Nicola Sturgeon’s SNP? It would never work - Jezza doesn’t eat haggis and he can’t really understand what any of them are saying. How about leeks though? Jezza loves leeks! Every Sunday he chops up one of those big bland spring onions and chucks it in his stew. So could this finally be the chance for Leanne Wood’s dangerous dissidents Plaid Cymru to come to the fore and stamp their Welsh dominance on the UK? Very possibly.
This may be Plaid’s chance to enforce upon the nation their primary policy - making it compulsory for everyone to sing at all times while wearing an inflatable daffodil hat. This torturous constantly singing, daffodil-wearing Welsh society that we’ll have forced upon us will make the quiet coaches of trains untenable - and that’s not a world I want to live in. We must do everything we can to prevent this Welsh Char-ia Law (the “Char” of course stands for Charlotte Church). And I for one will not stand idly by while a statue of Gareth Bale is built in MY back-garden!
As we approach this general election, one thing is becoming increasingly clear - these truly are uncertain times we live in. The only thing you can do now is cast your vote. And pray to God it’s not Plaid Cymru.

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