A Man's Guide To Faking An Orgasm


Written by Jack Blocker
02 Tuesday 02nd September 2014

Every girl who's ever engaged in any sort of sexual activity, be it a kiss, penetrative sex and everything in between, has, if they really think about it, experienced a guy who arrives too early. A man that flies out the blocks like Usain Bolt. A dude whose junk may as well be called Seabiscuit. Simply put, a bro that cums as soon as his dick touches a vagina.

So when a recent survey conducted in New York revealed that 30% of guys had faked it, I think only women were shocked. When you've had guys dumping their cargo before their truck's even hit the interstate, it's hard to comprehend a man ever taking an early exit from the freeway. The truth is, men do fake it, and the reasons why are fairly straightforward.

Booze, daytime pingers and cocaine can all encourage a baller to pull up for a mid-range jumper when he should've risen for the dunk. The good thing is if you time it perfectly, that shot can lead to some easy points - while saving the bucket from an unneccesary pounding AKA it gets that drunk idiot pumping away frutilessly at your poor vagina off you before you're totally covered in sweat and suffering from cystitis.

By no means am I a veteran of this practice, but I've heard a few stories, learned a few tips, and (heard about friends who have) ducked out before the finish enough times to give you a couple of pointers on this misunderstood - and often unavoidable - practice.

The sound and the fury

ACKSHULLY maybe this isn't the look to channel ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When you realise sex is a job you can't complete, you don't want to slip out the door with a straight face like a cowboy builder shirking on his work. You're not watching Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, you're trying to convince the girl under you that you're not an emasculated failure who can't complete the base function of a male's existence. Show some bloody emotion.

Contort your face, make a few noises and actually look like something might be happening. Think about that scene in Total Recall where Arnie falls out of the compound on to the surface of Mars and his face explodes - that's what you wanna channel. It sounds extreme, but at the very least you'll get a few laughs, and humour's probably your best asset if you've been relating to any of this so far.

If you just came, why is there no cum?

Probably squats bro, then I'd fake an orgasm with my dream gurl later because I did too many squats 

This is a tough one. There's really no way to get around this without making up a total crock of shit. Your best bet is to blame it on some feat of physical prowess, as this may go some way to reassure your lover that you're not an anaemic waste of space who's just infected her with a strain of Being A Total Pussy...

Eg: "Sorry, I crushed Leg Day earlier and I don't have enough testosterone left to yield a good load. Most guys couldn't get it up after the session I had, so I'm a beast for even ejaculating. Breakfast?" - or something along those lines.

Even if it makes you ashamed, it proves you're a fun guy

Fun guy alert!

If you got the men from the survey who said they had faked it to explain why they did, I guarantee you would hear some good stories. Drunken nights which lead to random hook-ups and long walks home at 7am. Free cocaine at parties with models and rich people from art 'collectives'. Terrifying sex in an alleyway in Bushwick that you'll talk about for the next year, even though at the time all you wanted was to go home and watch Bojack Horseman.

Faked orgasms are for the wild ones that girls will want to hang with again (possibly), even if you were below average in bed the first time (possibly). But just like excessive booze, daytime pingers and cocaine, don't make faking it a habit.

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