After Politics


Written by Caroline Doyle
07 Monday 07th June 2010


After losing his seat in Montgomeryshire, Lib Dem MP and Cheeky Boy Lembit Opik has launched a new career – as a stand up comedian. Apparently after being the hot-pant-ed butt of many a joke, Opik decided it was time to convince people to laugh with him, as well as at him. After this surprising change of direction, I got to thinking about other politicians and what they could do if they ever find themselves seat-less and fancy-free.

Harriet Harman

Harman is the only serving cabinet minister in memory to plead guilty to a criminal offence - driving without due care, after an incident in January this year in which she hit another vehicle whilst driving and using her mobile. This is only the latest in a string of driving related incidents however – she was fined in 2003 for driving 99mph on a motorway, in 2007 she was fined and got three points on her license for doing 50mph on a 40mph road and then she got a further three points for speeding in 2008. With this clear penchant for speed and the love of safety garb she displayed in 2008 when she wore a kevlar-reinforced stab vest whilst she indulged in a police-guarded constitutional around her Peckham consistuancy, perhaps Mrs Harman would be better suited to Formula One than the front bench. Whilst breaking new ground for women, she could gratify her need for speed unconcerned by highway bylaws and wear a full-body safety-suit all day long.
Boris Johnson
The scruffy posho and his vacant grin somehow convinced the capital that he was the best choice for mayor, but when we collectively come to our senses and he finds himself jobless perhaps he should consider a role in the tourism sector. If the bumbling blonde is half as good at promoting places as he is at offending them he would make a formidable tourism force. Successfully turning the people of Liverpool, Portsmouth and Papa New Guineau against him during his career with insensitive, racist and wildly inaccurate comments, who knows what he could do if only he used his powers for good.

David Cameron
Chirpy and smooth faced, Prime Minister David Cameron is just like you and me. Seriously, he's just a normal guy, with a normal family, who likes to drink a pint or two on a Friday night and have a fight in a kebab shop. So what if he went to Eton, he likes Radiohead. And just because he was a member of the Bullingdon Club at Oxford – one which is wildly expensive to be a member of and requires a £3000 uniform, and involves dining in restaurants and causing as much damage as you like because one's family will always foot the bill. So clearly, you cannot fault Mr Cameron's acting skills. He has convinced the nation with his bike riding, popular culture references and admittance of youthful drug experimentation that he is an ordinary kind of guy, one that knows what life is like for most of the people in this country and can therefore govern fairly. If he only stopped all this silly politics business, this unrivalled actor of our time could reach the dizzy heights of Midsomer Murders in no time.


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