Just Safe For Work


Written by Poppy Green
01 Sunday 01st April 2012

The history of things being borderline dirty is as old as humanity itself. It's certain that many a caveman sniggered when they came across a labia-shaped tree or plant. Since then we have advanced by actually creating our own guffaw-worthy content. There will always be some of us obsessed with blurring the border between the acceptable and the inappropriate, and the grey area of material that's technically okay, but not comfortably so, is exactly the sort of territory we're going to explore. So here it is, our list of the best almost-porn out there. It's suggestive enough to raise an eyebrow, but not to flag the firewall.

Geometric Porn App

Straddling the line between decency and artistry like never before, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Geometric Porn. Recently rejected by Apple on the grounds of indecency (petition, anyone?), this app introduces you to the filthiest non-photographic images you will ever see. Beautifully designed and amazingly well executed, artist Luciano Foglia’s creation will seemingly not be available to purchase for as long as Apple insist on being such party poopers. Not only a statement in how beautiful geometric shapes can be, but also how worryingly easily your mind fills in any gaps in detail. We think it’s awesome. If anyone actually finds it arousing though, we’d love to hear from you. And then send you to therapy.

Shake Weight

Now harnessing the power of ‘dynamic inertia’ for over two years, it’s hard to make a list of things that make you think "am I really watching this?" without including the infamous Shake Weight. Featured on more sub-par US talk shows than you can shake a weight at, this tool for defining your arms has penetrated(!) the consciousness of the masses via it’s cringe/boner-inducing ad campaigns. It's "piston-like motion" not only ensures that your muscles will contract up to 240 times a minute, but also that you look like an idiot. With more homoeroticism than the movie 300, Shake Weight is guaranteed to make you look three times more oily in only six minutes.

SFW Porn by Diesel

Another classic that it was just impossible to leave from this list – Diesel’s colourful attempt to make the world of adult film a little more child-friendly. Look at that woman furiously shaking those maracas in homage to the gods of rhythm! How could anyone possibly see anything disgusting in this? Wait... did she just finger a coin slot? That's awful. I'm sure the owner will be around at any moment to make arcade etiquette clear to this delinquent.

Hot chicks with stubbed toes making sex faces

The delicately titled ‘dogshit network’ has ventured into the realm of the halfway sleazy with an truly impressive fearlessness. HCWSTMSF is perhaps one of the most embarrassing of their offerings because it looks like you’re too worried about your history for their ‘hot chicks with hot dogs in their mouths’ sister site. However, I’d be inclined to argue that stubbed toe/sex face girls are the height of the network’s achievements. For one thing, it’s just incredible how accurate the title is. Many of these girls wouldn’t look out of place photoshopped onto a porn star’s breast implants. In fact, I’m sure some cyber bullies have already taken advantage of this fact. I have a feeling I’ve just ruined some kid’s life.


Taking a large leaf out of Diesel's book (we've named the leaf 'rip off'), PornSFW allows anyone to submit their own over-vagina doodles for self respecting lunch time jerkers everywhere. The variety is commendable, source material coming from magical creatures, Pokemon episodes, food products and of course the inspirational world of music (too much strumming and blowing to ignore). I've featured my personal favourite above - not a fan of the speech bubble, but a MEGA fan of the clothing detail. Look at that rip in the arm of his shirt. We're in the presence of MS Paint genius.

Does anyone actually find this stuff sexy?

Don't Panic attempt to credit photographers and content owners wherever possible, however due to the sheer size and nature of the internet this is sometimes impractical or impossible. If you see any images on our site which you believe belong to yourself or another and we have incorrectly used it please let us know at panic@dontpaniconline.com and we will respond asap.


  • Guest: haroosh
    Wed 04 - Apr - 2012, 14:30
    A lolly in a dolly - now that's rude!