Bad News For Single Guys


Written by Jack Blocker
19 Wednesday 19th November 2014

What qualities does a woman look for in a man? Good looks? A nice personality? Maybe a well paid job? Not being into cults and murdering people? Against facial tattoos alluding to the Third Reich?

Turns out those last two steadfast truths are utterly erroneous. For one woman at least. A 26-year-old called Afton Elaine Burton has claimed that she is the future Mrs Charles Manson. Burton fell in love with ol' Charlie a few years back, and has spent her short adult life campaigning for his release (she claims he is totes innocent).

Neckbeards srsly not happy rn

I'm wont to view this sort of thing as absolute bullshit, but when a source like the AP claims to have seen the marriage license, it's probably true. Buzzfeed they are not.

So if you're a single guy who reckons he'll never get a girlfriend, then you always have one thing to fall back on: A life of murderous crime! Forget confidence and a sense of humour, because you probably don't have either. Instead, start a violent cult, murder a pregnant woman, attempt to incite a race war. Think Charlie is an outlier? Look at Ted Bundy, the casanova of wanton decapitation. He was still reading love letters on the walk to the electric chair.

Jokes aside, it is fascinating to think why some people really are attracted to the very limits of human ill.

Do you think Charlie is a bit of alright? Reckon Bundy was the Ryan Gosling of aggravated murder? Does heartless evil fill your heart with love? Leave a comment below.

Don't Panic attempt to credit photographers and content owners wherever possible, however due to the sheer size and nature of the internet this is sometimes impractical or impossible. If you see any images on our site which you believe belong to yourself or another and we have incorrectly used it please let us know at and we will respond asap.