Beards: For The Man Who Has Literally Nothing Else


Written by Jack Blocker
18 Tuesday 18th August 2015

I first came across the Dollar Beard Club about a month ago, when macho Instagram trustafarian Dan Bilzerian posted one of their videos. In it, a heavily bearded blonde guy extols the manly benefits of excessive facial hair while chastising manlets who dare to shave. Why? Because he's flogging a mail order beard balm service of course.

It makes sense that a man like Bilzerian would post the clip. He's an otherwise uninteresting individual who makes up for his shortcomings by parading a ridiculous, hypermasculine lifestyle. He's surrounded by a paid gaggle of megababes, whom he flaunts while firing guns and partying on boats. Most importantly, he lives his life with a robust beard wrapped around his chin. If you can't afford Bilzerian's boast, babes and guns, the least you can do to make up for your own uninteresting life is to pack shaving in. 

After all, very few of us are still engaging in a lifestyle so manly that we literally don't have a second to shave. Back when men wrestled bears or fought to the death in jousts - or whatever the fuck old-timey men did - beards grew because a moment dedicated to grooming might be the moment a bear eats you, or a big stick crushes your sternum. These days, when more of us earn our keep from the comfort of a desk, rocking a beard is one way of tricking people into thinking you're not a totally effete pussy who works in digital marketing, or whatever.

That's why stuff like the Dollar Beard Club really confuses me. For something so indicative of rugged masculinity, why is it ok to rub conditioner in the thing? I guess when a beard's all you've got, you might as well take care of it. Time was you purchased a Harley-Davidson when you had a mid-life crisis, and you spent the weekends rubbing it. Now you signup to a dollar a month beard balm mail service and spend your spare time rubbing goop on your pride and joy.

As much as I hate to admit it after watching the above video, but I have a beard. Maybe my decision to grow it was due to an inferior sense of masculinity, but one of the longer benefits has been the blessing of having to do fuck all with my face. Rubbing balm in it would betray the lazy lifestyle not shaving affords you. 

So if you find yourself on the brink of buying beard balm, maybe it's time to shave it off.

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