Before You Vote Conservative, READ THIS


Written by Jack Blocker
07 Thursday 07th May 2015

Why not vote Conservative today? After all, you've got a secret account in Turks and Caicos to maintain, a forged hunting license and various affadavits connecting you to several dubious hedge funds. Perhaps there are too many Poles installing the UPVC conservatory on the side of the converted barn. They are cash in hand though. £3 and hour.

But what about when you burned your pinky on the Aga last week; you had to wait in A&E for almost 40 minutes. Wouldn't a private system cut down on such a ordeal, or at the very least the amount of Somalians you had to see on the way to the hospital?

Maybe so, but there are also many reasons to not check the box next to David Cameron's name, even if you are a blue-blooded posho:

This cover of the Sun:

Rupert Murdoch has presided over a media empire that has, in the past, hacked a murdered schoolgirl's phone, published slanderous information about victims of the Hillsborough disaster and erroneously espoused a link between vaccinations and autism. More recently, he super-imposed David Cameron's head onto the body of the newly born Princess Charlotte for the cover of The Sun.

Upon witnessing this, I felt a pang of sorrow for the darling baby, despite the fact she will been afforded privileges and power none of us can even fathom. If the face of the incumbent PM can actually make you lament the fate of a Royal baby, then he must be a real shit.

Bedroom Tax

Slashing a renter's housing benefit because they're failing to lease their broom closet may sound like a good idea, but think of the implications. Before you know it, they'll be asking to live in your new conservatory - and they might even be immigrants.

Food Banks

There are now over 1.1 million people relying on 445 food banks in Britain. If the Conservatives win, these figures could continue apace for the next five years. What if Trussell food banks took over Waitrose?! Vote Labour, you toff!

David Cameron was a Bullingdon Boy

David Cameron, not circled. Also, please don't sue us.

The Prime Minister of this country - as well as the Mayor of London - was in a University club whose main pastime was dunking homosexual students in a fountain

He took a question from Joey Essex

David Cameron wouldn't make time for your seventh annual fox-hunt and badger cull, even though you'd both spent many happy years dunking homosexual undergraduates in fountains. But he made time for Joey Essex, who probably didn't even attend Durham, let alone Oxbridge.


Even though you love the thought of witholding money from disabled people, you are even more enamoured by the brave men and women who fight for our country overseas. So to hear that Cameron's assessment cronies ATOS are deeming many wounded soldiers unworthy of benefits makes your British blood boil.

That's actually fairly horrendous tbh.

Zero Hour Contracts

When the young chap showed up at your local for his shift, only to be told there were no hours available, you felt so bad that you purchased multiple doubles of Lagavulin for him. Sadly he was only 17. When the off-duty police officer nursing a pint at the bar called you up on this, you bolted for the Land Rover. He soon caught up, and upon running your plates, discovered that you'd failed to pay fines on 18 parking tickets.

When you were siphoning money from your secret account in Turks and Caicos to cover the legal fees, you realised that none of this would have happened had that young lad been in possession of a contract that guaranteed a certain number of hours per week.

Michael Gove

A whole generation of students who will learn by rote and go on to careers in computer programming? No thanks.

David Cameron eats hot dogs with a knife and fork

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