When the world's forgotten about Charlie Sheen, Britney Spears will be there to pick up the slack again. She has to. I mean, so far, her life story reads like a blueprint for rebounding child-star trainwrecks everywhere. First she married childhood friend Jason Alexander (not George Costanza) in Las Vegas, on January 3 2004 - and had the wedding annulled 55 hours later. Then came Kevin "Broken Home" Federline. Then there was that small matter of the world's most famous haircut. Then, barely recognisable, she attacked an SUV with an umbrella.
On February 15 2007, Spears spent the night at Eric Clapton's Crossroads Centre - a private drug rehab in Antigua, in the Caribbean. She checked herself out the next day, headed back to LA, drove to Esther's Hair Studio in Tarzana, cried outside in her car for 10 minutes, then went in and made hair-dressing history. Spears' hair, the clippers she used and the can of Red Bull she was drinking later went on sale for $1 million - that's how sick we are!
I think the main reason Spears became 2007's Charlie Sheen was, again, our obsession with building people up and watching them root around on all fours. And you don't get more of a crashing nosedive than 2007 Britney Spears. Spears' new album, Femme Fatale, is out March 25. So expect some kind of craziness if things don't go according to plan. Maybe she'll move in with Charlie and his goddesses... Maybe not.
What's that you say? Old news? Well... about an hour ago, Hollywood-hearthrob-turned-wild-crazy-woman-beating-racist-homophobe, Mel Gibson, narrowly avoided jail time for hitting ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva in January 2010. This one's another shocker. Mel Gibson used to be awesome; Mad Max, Lethal Weapon, Braveheart... The guy was unstoppable. Now when I picture him, I just see that crazy, mad-eye, rambling cartoon character waving his arms around in South Park.
Secretly, Mel Gibson was an alcohol-swigging time bomb waiting to explode. And on July 26 2008, that's exactly what happened. Gibson was pulled over in Malibu, on the Pacific Coast Highway, at 2:36am. There was an open bottle of tequila on the seat next to him. After he was breathalised and arrested, by Jewish police officer James Mee, Gibson let off an anti-Semitic rant that included the choice line, "Fucking Jews... the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Later, Gibson released a public apology, writing the incident off as a blurted "moment of insanity." Just like he laughed off his homophobic remarks in a 1991 interview with El Pais, explaining, "I shouldn't have said it, but I was tickling a bit of vodka during that interview, and the quote came back to bite me on the ass." Just like he's probably laughing off hitting Grigorieva, blaming it on the booze again.
Lindsay Lohan & Paris Hilton
Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton have had so many falls from grace, the public's simply lost interest. They're boring. And to be honest, neither one was ever much of a celebrity in the first place. Sure, they're both good-looking tabloid blondes with a string of public sexcapades and a few dodgy movies and albums to their names. But that's it. Sadly (for them), it's all gone a bit too far - wasn't Lindsay a lesbian at one stage? And they'd both have to do something pretty damn crazy to get back into Charlie Sheen territory. Like, even crazier than shaving their heads and going on an alcohol-fuelled, anti-Semitic rant. Maybe if they did both, together, as a couple, and insulted Islam?
And then we have Charlie Sheen, who's recent, admittedly hysterical (at first), outbursts and media-endorsed psychotic behaviour (from Twitter and ABC News to Don't Panic Online) will be a hard one to beat in the years to come. Even George W. couldn't have out-quoted this guy. Check him out (above).
It's all gotten pretty ridiculous. Surely, he's on his way out of the limelight. The latest update is that Charlie's upset about missing his twin sons' birthday party and drowning his sorrows over dinner with nanny goddess Natalie Kenly, at the W, in Westwood, Los Angeles. That's when you know it's gone too far. And it looks like it's all been leading up to one thing: Major League 3! Winning (sorry, couldn't resist). I feel ashamed...
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