You can’t open a paper or flick on the news without being confronted by his receding jawline and totemic pint. You can’t switch on the radio without his groaning yet grating drawl assault your senses. Facebook pages plug him. Day after day we’re reminded that somewhere, somehow there are actually people like this, who have no conception of being broke or not owning a breadmaker. Gone are the days when Nigel Farage was an occasionally wheeled out oddity and instead here he is as an apparently serious contender.
However, the prolonged effects of fame and criticism can be a rough time on anyone shunted into the spotlight- just look at Ron Davies or miscellaneous right-wing guys’ wanking deaths. As we get ever closer to the voting day figuratively dozens are excited about, we’ve cranked a load of our best DMT, rubbed the Economist over our faces and imagined the potential blights for Britain’s best bloody hope.
Farage booted in tolerance controversy
After their 2016 referendum victory, Farage was forced out of UKIP after it emerged that he had no gripes with anyone different from himself- even if they didn’t own an allotment or Third World debt. “It all began in a strategy meeting, where he asked: “Are we completely sure lesbian teen mums cause potholes?” We knew his amateur’s passion was gone,” a despondent party member revealed. “Subsequently we found out that he’d downloaded a Stephen Fry podcast, but the last straw was his gall to get a tan.”
UKIP chief’s image overhaul
An anonymous Harley Street plastic surgeon, who has not treated Farage, told us he believes the politician has received numerous cosmetic procedures, including chin reduction, jowl fillers, skin ruddying and eyebrow plugs. “He appears to be trying to look more like the put-upon middle aged man and the results are impressive. Notice how his eyebrows appear to become one big moustache, ” our source said. A stylist commented upon Farage’s transition from Savile Row tailoring to off-the-peg Debenhams; “His bulky shoulder pads and large tie knots give him the authority of a top car salesman or Gordon Brown in his prime. He has the loose, creased collar of a leader who will sweat over his people.”
FORMER EUROCRAT BUYS PUB ON EXPENSES
GREEDY EX-MEP Nigel Farage has bought a boozer on TAXPAYER’S MONEY, it has been revealed. The politician invested over €250,000 in a freehouse near his Kent home, thought to be named The Ram & Bureaucrat. When quizzed on the public purchase, the politician responded: “The day a British bloke can’t use hard-earned cash to invest in British industry is the day EU stormtroopers shoot a bulldog, make our black cabs brown and add another Spice Girl- Brussels Spice.”