CELEBRITY CRIMES

Celebrity Crimes
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CELEBRITY CRIMES



Written by Jack Sharp
16 Monday 16th January 2012

Worrall Thompson, of course, is the inventor of the “Snickers Pie”, so it’s hard to dispute the fact that the man clearly has some major psychological issues. He not only conceived the idea of putting Snickers in a pie, but also shared the idea with others, encouraging them to bask in his madness and bake the 1,250 calory-per-slice dish for themselves. So largely because of this, rather than taking to Twitter to write a series of obvious cookery-based one-liners at Mr. Worrall Thompson’s expense (“He should do THYME for this!” for example), I couldn’t help feeling kind of sorry for him.

That’s not to say that his actions are excusable, especially considering the cheese was allegedly Dairylea triangles, and the wine was Tesco’s own brand 'La Wine'. But Antony, or Worrall as he likes to be known, was seemingly dealing with intense emotional trauma. Perhaps shoplifting provided him with a sense of self-fulfilment and empowerment, during a time when he was feeling utterly dejected and powerless. Or perhaps I’m just trying to sympathise with him because of his little, beady hamster-like eyes and slapped puppy dog expression.

Either way, this might not signal the end of Worrall’s career; after all, many celebrities have committed some pretty reprehensible crimes in the past, and yet have somehow managed to do pretty well for themselves. Here are some examples you might not have heard of:

Alastair Stewart

You may recognise Alastair Stewart as the presenter of the ITV Lunchtime News, where news doesn’t simply report, but rather demands that you seek refuge behind your sofa and await further instructions. He can be identified by his overly dramatic vocal mannerisms, his hilariously stern expression, and for having the self-awareness of Alan Partridge. You may also recognise him as the presenter of Police Camera Action! the high-octane police video programme that warns viewers of the risks that come with dangerous driving.

Despite having given several bombastic monologues for Police Camera Action! encouraging viewers not to drink and drive, Stewart made headlines after crashing into a tree whilst four-times over the limit. He was later relieved of his Police Camera Action! duties, but returned to the programme several years later, chaperoned by a much younger, more sensible co-presenter.

In 2010, Stewart moderated the leaders debates between the 2010 UK Prime Ministerial candidates on ITV.


Dr. Dre

Dee Barnes is an American rapper and former host of the TV programme Pump It Up. She conducted an interview with Ice Cube in 1990 in which the rapper discussed his reasons for leaving N.W.A. Subsequently, the group were unhappy with the interview, feeling that they had been negatively portrayed.

According to Rolling Stone reporter Alan Light: upon encountering Barnes at a record release party, Dr. Dre picked her up and began slamming her repeatedly against a wall, as his bodyguard held off the crowd. He then attempted and failed to throw her down the stairs, before kicking her in the ribs and hands. Dee then managed to escape into the women’s bathroom briefly, before Dre grabbed her by the hair and punched her in the back of the head.

An unsympathetic Dre, seemingly confused by the concept of journalism, and by why it’s wrong to beat the crap out of a woman, responded to the incident by saying: "…somebody fuck with me, I'm gonna fuck with them. Besides, it ain't no big thing—I just threw her through a door.” Barnes later tried to sue Dre for $22.75 million, but he eventually got off lightly with just 240 hours of community service, two years probation and an anti-violence PSA.

These days, Mr. Dre can’t seem to leave his criminal past behind him, as evidenced by the release of his inexcusably expensive Beats by Dr. Dre brand, which provides shit-quality music equipment for people who aren’t aware that music producers don’t need a black laptop with “Beats by Dr. Dre” written on it to produce music. Of course, Dre’s recent “beats” can easily be recreated using any multi-track recording software, a lack of artistic integrity, and by hiring somebody else to write (or ghostwrite, if you want to retain authorship) the lyrics.

Dr. Dre continues to be a commercially successful rapper and record producer.

 

Randy Quaid

Actor Randy Quaid believes that a group known as the “Hollywood star whackers” are trying to kill him. They got Heath Ledger, he has told reporters, and now they’re after him, the star of Martians Go Home, and uncle in the National Lampoon Vacation movies. Now, in the wake of several alleged crimes, the Quaid and his wife have sought refuge in Canada on the grounds that they feared for their lives in the US.

The charges the Quaids faced were for defrauding an innkeeper, conspiracy, and burglary. Reports suggested that they had been living in a guest house without permission, believing that they had been the rightful owners of the property since the 1990s. Documents were later produced by the current property owner’s representative, which showed that the house had been sold to the current owner in 2007, and that the previous owner had purchased it from the Quaid some years earlier.

Last year, while on hiatus from acting, Randy released a single entitled 'Star Whackers' with his band Randy Quaid & The Fugitives. His last role was the part of Coach Lew Tuttle in Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach, a part for which I’m sure he’ll be warmly remembered—but not by the Hollywood star whackers, who presumably are not fans of his acting work.

Randy is currently undergoing a bout of Charlie Sheen-style craziness, but with upsettingly less publicity. Still, I’m predicting big things for Quaid in the future—an MTV reality TV show perhaps?

 

Tim Allen

 

In October 1978, the actor and comedian Tim Allen was arrested for attempting to carry 650 grams of cocaine through Kalamazoo airport, Michigan. He was uncovered in a drug bust and found himself facing life imprisonment, although he was able to reduce his sentence by turning in fellow drug dealers. This shortened his sentence to a mere three to seven years, and he ended up serving just 28 months.

Fellow drug dealer, Jedonna Young, who was arrested that same month, wasn’t so lucky. As a 25-year-old mother and low-level heroin addict, she had no valuable information, and was sentenced to life imprisonment. Still, what we’ll remember most will be the laughs, right? Home Improvement, The Santa Clause, Toy Story, etc.

HAHAHA!

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