Clash of the Titans: The Fights You Missed


Written by Gabriel Mathews
19 Monday 19th June 2017

Last week it was finally announced, after all the mind-games and playing hard to get, Money Mayweather and Notorious McGregor will be punching each other senseless until either one falls unconscious or the final bell goes and judges decide a winner.


It is going to be a completely novel fight; McGregor is transitioning from UFC to boxing, getting his license for this specific fight and more then likely getting his few remaining brain cells sent to the stands. There’s no argument - it’s a fight for the money. Fair enough, I’d get in the ring with either of them for £100 million. In fact, if either party’s PR is reading this, both of them are pussies who can’t fight - I’ll show them how it’s done, name the time and the place.


Irrelevant trash talk aside, perhaps there are some fights that aren’t for the money, but are actually for the people. These fights exist and have happened.


Corbyn vs. May


It’s had the build up to rival any boxing fight as well as trash talk that would shock even the potty-mouthed Mike Tyson.


Theresa May’s entrance; the lights went down and a hush fell over the crowd, as a slow hum of ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ started to ring through the stadium. A spotlight hit May in her wide legged strong and stable stance: she’s ready for war. Theresa made her way to the ring, her entrance was a real ‘naughty’ one. The walkway to the ring was lined with wheat, fields of it, and she ran right through that sucker with no care for the farmer or his crop. Before the fight’s even started, she had proven she’s a badass, and she was going to continue being a badass in the ring.


Corbyn’s walk to the ring featured a unheard JME and Stormzy dub they’ve produced pro-bono because as well all know, they love the big man Corbyn. He was followed in by the whole NHS workforce still angrily protesting cuts.


The first round bell rang out and they politely touched gloves. The atmosphere was tense, as people impatiently waited for the first punch. Corbyn came to the middle of the ring to exchange blows but as expected May was avoiding any sort of contact whatsoever, hiding wherever possible. She had had some practice.


But May after dodging any sort of one on one encounters with Jezza, for fear he’ll win them, finally removed her heel and stabbed him right in the back straight through his tweed jacket, ending the fight there and then. You can still see the scars.


Trump vs The Mountain


Much like the McGregor-Mayweather fight, this one was for money. It was a fight the whole world wanted to see, including the Trump supporters, delusional enough to believe that Trump could win.


In The Donald’s corner, there were those who shouldn’t have been there, I assume for some shady reason or another he owed them all favours. His trainer, Rex Tillerson, his cutman Jeff Sessions, they man aggressively swatting the towel, Gen James Mattis and of course, his daughter had some made up job.


The Mountain’s corner on the other hand was severely lacking in any personnel, instead all he had were some protein bars. You could say he was quietly confident. Fair enough. The bookies didn’t bothered with odds for this one.


You should never wish death upon anyone regardless of how bat-shit crazy, racist, homophobic, corrupt and dangerous they are, but I can’t help but feel like even the most morally righteous people could justify this one in their heads. The reason why I say death is because how else was this fight going to end. There was only one way it could end and that was Trump on his back with The Mountain straddling him, as his gigantic hands took hold of the president's orange head and blonde quiffy hair, before slowly crushing it to smithereens. Since then Trump has had some impressive reconstructive surgery and as you would have noticed is back to his usual incoherent self.


Gandhi vs The Dalai Lama



You’re probably thinking this is an odd one and you are right to think that. But there was something very intriguing about two famous pacifists, men of peace and serenity, turning into savages. It’s always reaffirming to know no-one’s perfect. Plus how could you not find it amusing to watch them flailing around the ring, eyes closed, arms in a windmill motion, just hoping they don’t get hit - like two feeble kids in a playground fighting over a fidget spinner.


But why in whichever relevant god’s name were these two fighting? Well it’s wasn’t over spirituality, nor was it over politics - but surprisingly fashion. That’s right, it turns out these two are what the industry might refer to as ‘divas’. They have a real passion for fashion, so much so that their quarrel over similar robes at a charity event was never settled. Rumour has it, the Dalai Lama didn’t text Gandhi back to confirm what outfit he was wearing and the whole fiasco was mightily embarrassing for all involved. They had no choice, but to step into the ring.


The years of suppressed anger bottled deep within both individuals finally allowed to escaped made for complete and utter carnage for 12 rounds. It was therapy for these two, just letting out all their stress. I think I saw Gandhi crying at one point - could have been from the pain could have just been from all the emotions coursing through his body at the time.


It was a draw, they both hugged each other and seemed at peace, any resentment between these two had been quashed. Balance has been restored, at least until the Dalai Lama shows up unannounced in that fetching orange robe again.


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