Clouds and Fairies: Abolishing All Student Debt and 5 Other Labour “Aims”


Written by Jake Moss
10 Monday 10th July 2017

Labour have claimed that their pledge to wipe out all student debt is just an “aim”, rather than an official policy. This would allegedly cost around £100 billion - maybe slightly more than the petty cash Jezza and the lads have stuffed into an old Nescafe Gold jar back at Labour HQ. But what other “aims” are the party set to announce in their attempt to charm/bribe the people of Britain?

A Cheeky Lend of 20 Quid Whenever You Need It

You’re going out, but pay-day isn’t for another week, and your bank account’s in worse shape than Wayne Rooney in 3-5 years. A spare twenty would do absolute wonders about now. Well Jezza will give you a lend of one, no questions asked. You can spot him whenever, it’s cool. No, no - honestly, it’s fine. Just buy him a pint or something next time you’re out. Need a Rizla too? No worries. Have a whole ciggy. Jezza will roll it for you too. Hey, maybe he’ll give you a little kiss on the cheek. Who knows? Tonight might just be your lucky night.

State-Subsidised Doritos

Labour’s top researchers have identified a key factor among the electorate - everyone likes Doritos. The triangular corn-based snack is a universal favourite and is consumed in bulk throughout the UK. From the loyal defenders of Cool Original, to those loose cannons who “dance with the devil” (AKA Chilli Heatwave apologists) - all fall to their knees and worship at the hallowed altar of Santo Dorito - the patron saint of Tangy Cheese. Jezza has cottoned on to this and is vowing to bring down the price of the Hispanic snack to well below the rate of inflation - around 15p for a family pack! In spite of intense speculation, the party is yet to comment on whether the subsidies will extend to the Mild Salsa dip, with concerns that this may be taking populism too far.

A Free House for Your Mum

You always said that if you made it big, you’d get your mum a new house. Well now you don’t have to! Labour are pledging to give all mums a free house. Why? Why not! She had to deal with you, didn’t she? So I’m sure she deserves it. Similarly, thanks to Labour, all dads will receive a complementary set of trowels. It’s a well-known fact that all men over the age of 45 have an intense attraction to trowels, as well as most other garden tools. Well, a cheeky vote for Jezza at the next election and it’s rake city, my friend.

Bringing Alan Rickman Back From the Dead

Labour leader and amateur necromancer, Jeremy Corbyn, has made it one of his party’s primary aims to bring about the resurrection of beloved national treasure and renowned Severus Snape impersonator, Alan Rickman. Jezza has always been a big A-Rick fan, going so far as to class himself as a “Rickmaniac” - sadly, one of the country’s least talked about mental health problems. But in bringing back Rickman to the corporeal world, Corbyn and Labour are finally giving the people what they’ve been asking for - a potential Die Hard prequel.

A Literal Pie in the Sky

Corbyn is set to announce a pledge to construct a giant bramley apple pie suspended 500 metres above central London. The pie will have a circumference of over a kilometre, and on sunny days will fill the capital with the sweet pastry scent you usually only find at the back of a Greggs. UKIP are already starting a petition to change the pie’s filling to the more patriotic steak and ale, but Mr Corbyn is expected to veto this due to his notorious anti-beef beliefs, and retaliate with a leek and potato counter-offer. This pie in the sky will spearhead the next Labour manifesto, alongside their other central aims of constructing a pipe full of dreams, as well as finally placing the moon on a stick. The Tories, however, believe this would be a waste of money, and are instead pledging to destroy the moon and use the stick to beat us with.


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