Congratulations on your Deading!


Written by Caroline Doyle
09 Monday 09th August 2010

Ahh weddings. Happy, shiny, marshmallow filled days of fun which almost never go wrong. Ok, so you’re lucky if you can make it to the end of the day still talking to your betrothed, not throwing up the cheese and pickled onions into a plant pot (I’ve never been to a wedding, I can only presume the food is similar to that at a children’s birthday party), and not with your wanton mind focused on the waiting hotel room with a kind of ferocity unbecoming of your white dress.   

It seems watching your new husband attempt to recreate his hip-hop heyday with some sick moves on the dance floor isn’t the height of wedding day disaster. Sometimes just finishing the day without having to convince the minister you deserve a frequent buyer discount or a suddenly necessary funeral for one of the wedding guests is a bonus. Last week a groom in Turkey was celebrating his special day the only way you really can, by firing a few rounds from an AK47 into the air, when he lost control and accidentally killed his father and two aunts.
Maybe it’s the archaic nature of a wedding – all that ‘giving away’ and faux virginity that gets men all primal and testosterone-y. Why else would someone decide to indulge in a little Russian roulette beside the buffet table during their toast. Well someone is certainly wishing they’d stuck with the classic bad jokes and embarrassing memories for the best man speech, and someone else wishes that they’d gone for that boring guy from work instead of ‘Mental’ Pete as soon as he said ‘I’m so happy to be your best man, I’m going to do something really special’, ‘…Well, just a speech is fine, really, that’s all we want…’, ‘Nah, trust me, you’ll love it. It’s going to be mental...'
As unique and special as you are, and as much as you want to show how unique and special you are on your special day, because you’re like totally individual and your love is like totally spiritual and other people just don’t get it – just don’t mess with the wedding formula. Weddings are a bit nuts and weird, but at least people don’t normally end up with “facial and cranial traumas”. Isidoro Pensier learnt the old ways are best when she went in a small aeroplane to drop the bouquet at her wedding. Instead of the flowers falling gracefully from the sky as a symbol for the beautiful and bountiful nature of her union, it got sucked up into the engine, causing it to catch fire, and the plane to explode, injuring the bride and people below. What better omen than a flaming plane hurtling to the ground to kick start married life?
I’m no bitter cynic though, how can you be when people are so eager to share their happiness they’ll ride through the streets in a bed on wheels and a moomoo to tie the knot with the woman they love? Aaawww. (No laughing at the back). So weddings are good, just leave your firearms at home.


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