Criminal Christmas Wish List


Written by Emma Cave
13 Monday 13th September 2010

Like inexperienced teenage hairdressers, the government have been merrily hacking away at their budget for welfare and public services. The latest announcement that they aim to make cuts of up to 25 percent throughout the police force could mean the loss of up to 40,000 jobs.

Paul McKeever, chair of the Police Federation, has reacted to the news like a woman who has been given a buzz cut when she asked for a trim. His dramatic prediction is that the result of the drastic spending reductions would be “like Christmas for criminals”.
Ah, Christmas for criminals. A very special time of year. Mugging elves. Making off with Santa’s sleigh when he nips into Spar. Vandalising the nativity.
What exactly would be on a criminal’s Christmas wish list? As it’s set to come early for them this year, we asked some dodgy looking types what else they’re hoping to find in their stockings, beyond this generous gift from Parliament.
1)         Copy of this year’s best-selling Identity Fraud for Dummies
2)         Selection box containing a tantalising range of drugs in every class
3)         Balaclava or hoodie from the Armani ‘ODC (Ordinary Decent Criminal)’ range
4)         Tickets for a murder mystery weekend
5)         New getaway car in an unremarkable colour
6)         Cath Kidston multi-purpose swag bag with detachable strap
7)         Somebody else’s credit card
8)         Prison Break box set
9)         Multi-purpose crow bar with a range of detachable heads
10)       So Solid Crew's Greatest Hits CD
Bearing in mind that even if they do end up with nothing but the usual socks and soap, it’s going to be damn sight easier to go out and nick whatever the hell you like if the government go ahead with their plans. We’re sure that everyone, from the seasoned master to the recreational petty will get exactly what they want. And Paul McKeever will probably end up with nothing but a big fat ulcer. Season’s greetings!  

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