David Davis Commences Brexit Negotiations: Un Guide de Brussels Pour Monsieur Davis


Written by Jake Moss
19 Monday 19th June 2017

It’s time to bid bon voyage to our noble Brexit Secretary, David Davis - the man so good they almost named him twice. He’s making his merry way over to Brussels, and is set to commence negotiations with the EU over Brexit - Britain’s biggest democratic self-par since we voted for Will Young over Gareth Gates. To try and make the best of the situation, we’ve compiled a helpful guide for Monsieur Davis to ensure he gets the best possible deal for the UK, whilst also enjoying all that the city of Brussels has to offer. Zut alors!


Le chips et mayonnaise! 

Upon arriving in Brussels, Mr Davis has a bit of a job on his hands - negotiating the UK’s economic harakiri from a terrible negotiating position, while representing a collapsing minority government that may not be in power for much longer. But not to worry - there will be an abundance of chips and mayonnaise for Mr Davis to sample! That’s right - mayo?!?! Known for its blandness and beige colouring, the EU bureaucrat is a mysterious beast with a pretty out there taste in condiments. Yeah, who said Belgium was just a boring, unsexy France full of sweaty grey men in suits called Franz? Not moi!



Le Atomium!

Living it up in the Belgian capital, there will be no need for Monsieur Davis to ask the question on the lips of every French GCSE student across the land: ou est la piscine? Because who needs the piscine when you have the Atomium - Brussels’ most famous tourist attraction and potentially Europe’s largest construction of an iron molecule (I’ve not seen bigger, have you?). But the fun doesn’t stop there! It used to be made not out of iron, but instead - get this! - out of aluminium. An iron molecule made out of aluminium?! Get real, Belgium! David Davis better be prepared because this is the sort of mad shit that goes down in Brussels every single day. And what better way for him to win over his new European friends, than by memorising a large number of facts about the Atomium? It’s always worked for me - I now have upwards of three friends, and all of them are EU bureaucrats. Chocolat chaud! 

Le Autoworld!

Sure, David Davis is a man of the future - he knows ten fun facts about the Atomium, for Christ’s sake, of course he is! If, however, he wishes to gain an insight into the past, then he absolutely has to visit Autoworld - Brussels’ leading vintage car museum. Full of old broken-down vehicles from a bygone age, it can provide a nostalgic reminder of Europe’s past, or a haunting vision of the UK’s future. Sacre Brexit!



Le beer!

Belgium is renowned for its frothy hop-based beverages, the most prominent of which is known as “beer”. After a long day of negotiating exactly which stick he wants to be beaten with, Davis can kick back with his pan-European buddies over a couple of half-litres of the good stuff (I’m once again referring to beer). After a couple of these, and maybe even a waffle if he’s feeling particularly dangerous, Davis might be able to negotiate an even better deal for the UK. A bad Brexit might be worse than no Brexit at all, but what could be better than a drunk Brexit? If Davis can negotiate a kebab into the bargain, then maybe the future’s brighter than we thought. Ne forget pas le chilli sauce, monsieur!


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