Dear Chilean miners


Written by Johny Chhetri
27 Friday 27th August 2010

Another glimmer of hope emerged from the Chilean mine disaster which has left 33 men trapped underground. A video of the Chilean miners in their current living quarters which was posted online (they should have done it MTY Cribs-style) helped raise spirits further after the recent discovery of their survival.


We here at Don’t Panic are ecstatic that these men are alive and wish them the best of luck and all that, but we’re also quite a pessimistic bunch about their survival, they’re gonna be down there for four months! So we’ve come up with a little guide entitled: “How to survive being trapped in a mine shaft for four months”.
Try to stay sane
This is a tricky one, what with no ladies about and a major lack of entertainment. But you do have one saving grace: that video camera! Get the government to send a state of the art computer down and before you know it you’re video blogging about how hard it is in the shaft and becoming YouTube superstars... as if you weren’t well-known already. And try to make sure it doesn’t end up like Lord of the Flies yeah?
Entertain yourselves by just using one hand
Yes, that’s right, find a little corner and bang one out. Your wrists might ache at the end, but a good old board game is always a great timewaster. Lord knows how much you guys will fucking need one. I propose an epic game of Risk lads, then onto a Monopoly tournament. Actually, that might take too long. Or you could just get someone to send you an Xbox.
The urge to kill
Everyone’s got an urge to kill right? I mean just think of why Call of Duty and Halo are far more popular than, let’s say, Kirby right now. Well, now is the perfect time to strike that annoying bastard who always hides your helmet and it’s a good way of wasting time. You could put the cause down to “being stuck in a fucking cave.” Simple.
Beware of monsters, etc.
You may all be laughing now, but who knows what was hiding down there? Maybe the government are doing secret symbiotic alien experiments (yes, like in Spiderman) down there and you’ll all emerge brainwashed by the aliens. In any case, always have your tools equipped so you can whack the shit out of any fiend that comes your way!
Best not to think about this for a while. Or a shower. Or women...
Sexual desires
Well I’m not really an expert on this one. Just keep your hands out of your pants and who knows, you might just end up being the greatest lover on Earth when you get back. Because of all the sexual frustration building up, you might even be unstoppable! Or if you’re really desperate, get them to send down a few porno mags.
Sell your story to a paper
You’d be a fool not to.
Anyway, when the miners all come out I can only envision it being a joyous occasion. I can picture the morale of Chile being boosted by gigantic proportions with ‘being stuck in a cave for a few months’ becoming brilliant for character building for generations to come. This could be a grand method introduced to nations worldwide, replacing after-school clubs and scouting organisations as well as boot camp. Well, in any case, their survival is vital to the structure of Chile’s moral fibre. Can’t wait for that TV-movie to be released either!


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