Donald Trump’s EuroTrip: The G20 in Hamburg


Written by Jake Moss
06 Thursday 06th July 2017

Previously, we followed Trump to Warsaw and left him tied up in bed, as he was robbed by a Polish prostitute named Karolina. Now we’re in Hamburg for the G20, as The Donald prepares to face off with Putin, Merkel, Theresa May and all the world’s major leaders. But will he even make it that far?

Hamburg, 2pm

Mike Pence stands outside a large government building. He paces up and down, checking his watch. Where’s Trump? He was meant to be here an hour and a half ago. God, Pence thinks, what an idiot I must be to trust anything that satsuma-skinned lunatic tells me.

Pence can’t take it. He won’t be bantered off by Putin again. He simply won’t… No, no - maybe he’s just panicking. It’ll be fine. Trump always comes through in the end, doesn’t he?

Doesn’t he?

Meanwhile, in Amsterdam

“Hey Dutchie, how about a shmoke and a pancake?” Trump is sat in a “cafe” being massaged by a prostitute and shouting at the guy behind the counter. This is the fourteenth time he’s referenced “shmoke and a pancake” since he’s been in there. He’s made the same joke every time someone’s mentioned Holland since he first saw Austin Powers in 2002. Jared Kushner smirks along anyway, mostly because smirking at Trump’s jokes is his main job. His other job is rolling fat zoots for the president, which he’s currently doing with great skill and finesse. Trump continues, “I can’t believe SAD IDIOT Mike Pence wanted us to go to the BORING G20 Summit instead of getting high and fucking all these ATTRACTIVE PROSTITUTES. What a load of baloney!”

In between smirks, Kushner checks his watch. It really is getting on now. Maybe they should be heading to Hamburg. “Hey Dutchie!” shouts Trump, “You got anything stronger than this shit? I wanna get looser than Mike Pence’s wife!” The man behind the counter stops. He smiles. “Sure, Mr President. I think we have something.”

Hamburg, 5pm

“Hey Mike Pence, where is your beloved Trump now? Is he too scared to come to G20? Heh heh heh,” chuckles a topless Vladimir Putin. The world leaders are beginning to file into the main hall. “Damn it, Putin! Why do you always mock me at my lowest moments?” shouts back Pence, waving his fist. Putin retorts, “Your country is embarrassment and your president has mouth like puckered anus,” before riding away on his horse.

Pence sighs. They were supposed to make America great again. Now they don’t even have someone to make a speech. Where on earth is Trump? He hasn’t replied to any of his texts in hours. As usual, he’s let him down.

Meanwhile, in a plane flying over Europe

On the floor of the plane, rolled up in a tiny ball and concealed under a blanket, sits President Donald Trump. Jared Kushner, Steve Bannon and Rex Tillerson stand around him looking concerned. “I’m pretty sure he thinks he’s a woodlouse,” mutters Kushner. “For Christ’s sake, Kushner!” bellows Bannon, “What did he take?” From the heap under the blanket comes a long, high-pitched, quavering sound: “Shrooooooooooooms.”

cc: The Poke

Bannon lets out a sigh, “Jesus Christ. Kushner, go get him some coffee!” “Careful of my antennae! They’re very delicate!” squeals Trump.

Hamburg, 7pm

On the main stage, Theresa May finishes her speech: “As we continue to destroy the environment at a horrific rate, I beg of you all... will somebody please think of the wheat?” Sporadic claps echo out among the confused world leaders, as Angela Merkel comes back on to the stage. “Ja! Everybody, give it up for Theresa May zere! Some really great material about wheat... Vot a night we’re having, ladies and gents - and it’s not over yet! Next up, ve have ze American president, Herr Donald Trump in ze building! Ja, ziss should be good… Mr Trump, come on up!” Nobody comes up to the stage. The leaders all sit in silence, as Mike Pence shifts nervously in his seat. Merkel looks around, “... Mr Trump?”

At that moment, the doors to the hall burst open. Standing there, hands on hips, is Donald Trump. Pence’s face lights up, as Trump strides on to the stage and walks up to the lectern. Pushing Merkel to one side, with his pupils expanded to dangerous levels, he begins:

“Ladies and gentlemen, leaders of the free world, that terrifying giant with the melting face over in the corner. It’s time for us all to stand up and fight for what we believe in. Fight for the future of our people. I may have doubted climate change in the past. But that was before I became a woodlouse. Now, I have lived among the rotting bark of our trees and witnessed the darkest, dampest, mustiest corners of our world - and I have come to appreciate that this planet is dying. Sure, I’ve taken a lot of mind-altering drugs today. But I’ve realised we all have to be honest to ourselves. And to each other… Everybody, I have a comb-over. And a truly tiny penis. It’s so small that some medical experts don’t even officially class it as a penis. It has, in the past, been described as ‘negligible’... Now listen up, everyone: this is the moment to come together as one… and save our beautiful planet. P.S. Let’s all stop bombing Syria. Trump - out.”

He steps back from the lectern, naked from the waist down. The other leaders look at each other in shock. Then gradually, one by one, they get to their feet and clap. The standing ovation ripples through the audience, growing louder and louder. Everyone whoops and cheers, as Putin bangs the table in anger. Mike Pence stands and claps, a single tear running down his cheek. Trump soaks up the applause, stood partially nude before the room of world leaders. He raises his tiny hands in victory, then curls up into a ball on the floor and slowly rolls off the stage like a woodlouse.

He feels a change has come over him. He’s ready to do the right thing… He’s ready to save the world.

At least until the drugs wear off.


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