Don’t Bother With University


Written by Gabriel Mathews
05 Wednesday 05th July 2017

Thinktank recently announced that the poorest 40% of students will leave university with £57,000 worth of debt. Students have been hit hard by the governments hike in tuition fees and replacement of maintenance grants. Although the richer students haven’t benefited from the cuts either with the richer 30% still completing their three years £43,000 out of pocket.


The majority of students will most likely be paying that back for the rest of their life in a job they don’t really like but the prospect of being debt free and not homeless is too appealing. So they trudge along waiting for that day...that actually never comes.


So why would you bother university if you after the three years all you have to show for it is a mild weed and coke addiction, a damaged liver, a mediocre degree and a mountain of debt. shouldn’t bother. The three years after you leave school could be spent not collecting mammoth gaping holes in your bank account. Here are a few suggestions:


Go on a really long holiday



Those A-levels are over, the gap-year has come to an end, you have done the tragic coke tour of South America and hit up every possible full moon party in Thailand. Your band of merry men and women you’ve spent the past six months “tearing shit up with” are off on the next stage of their life, higher education. But there is still so much of the world that you haven’t had the chance to visit, so many different cultures you haven’t had the chance to appropriate yet.


Get some money together, beg, borrow, steal. Do what you got to do. And then buy that one-way plane ticket out, don’t bother with clothes, there will be hareem pants, tailored suits and novelty t-shirts along the way. Your travels will provide you with a chance to meet people you’d never meet at university - the blond haired surf instructor, the hard bodied yoga instructor, the seedy bar man, the daughter of the hotel owner, the year belows on their gap year and of course the locals you befriend. Some will be friends for life some will just be entertainment but regardless you will come back a more rounded, mature and heavily dreaded person. Ready to take on the world.


Get a job


Yes that’s right, you lazy fresh faced juvenile. Despite what some might say, you can actually get a job without going to university and you can actually get a pretty decent one. You may have to start from scratch but before you are loose faith look to Canadian born care bear look-a-like Drake for inspiration. Start from the bottom and with hard work and dedication you can join him at the metaphysical ‘ere’. You may even end up your mates boss, minus the liver and brain damage. His three years doing the bare minimum before pulling it out the bag to get that ‘necessary’ 2:1 to do the job you did the year before means you're now telling him how to do it. Plus you’ve been at the company long enough to establish yourself as everyone’s favourite. Getting a job instead of taking advantage of freshers, getting way to familiar with daytime TV and wondering around the library isn’t looking too shabby.


Set up a company


You’ve got three years, you’ve got the time. Find out what your interested in, find a way you can make money from it and then start the long arduous soul destroying journey of setting up a company. Your mind body and soul will be in pretty much the same state as everyone else’s and possibly your bank balance after three years but the risk is worth it for the reward. If you are one of the lucky few who's invented a better dyson hoover, come up with the next bitcoin or just really good at making fried chicken... well you are sorted for life. You might even end up back at University giving business lectures.


Further down the line you’ve got multiple restaurants around the world, a healthier bank account then your mates and a sense of smugness only Gwyneth Paltrow can match.


Be a reprobate



You could do sweet fuck all. Just sit around at home doing odd jobs here and there, helping your mum, dad and their friends out every now and again with odd jobs for a bit of cash and some kind of deluded purpose. It would also mean you could go visit your mates at university, hit up every house party possible, be the last one up, hang around like a bad smell until you get bored, repeat the process at another university before returning back home to a home cooked meal, a warm bed and the loving embrace of your mother.


You could do that for three years provided you don’t get bored, lose your mind, pick up a drug addiction or piss your parents off enough they kick you out. Even after all of that you’d still be in the same if not better position than a lot of people you’ll know who went to university except, surprise surprise, you don’t have that gigantic rain cloud of debt following you around.


We care about your future at Don’t Panic but we don’t want to tell you how to live your life, just those three years of your life. Those years after A-levels shouldn’t be spent racking up unnecessary student debt, especially when there are options that don’t involve starting the rest of your life tumbling down a crevasse that swallows up your money.


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