EX-PATRIOT

Ex-Patriot
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EX-PATRIOT



Written by Seun Mustafa
15 Sunday 15th August 2010

 

The best thing about international correspondence these days is you don’t even have to get out of your seat! No more jumping on a plane and living in a foreign shithole for seven months anymore. Just log onto your internet, go to the sort of place where everyone hangs out and just spark up threads with interesting people from interesting places. Our friend on the Palestinian border was pretty upset over something that happened right in front of her at the end of last week and can’t hand us anything over for a few days. In the meantime here is an anonymous Afghan who moved back to his homeland five years ago whilst the place was a war zone. That’s from America to Afghanistan and then he stayed there. Talk about national pride, those EDF idiots could learn a lot from this guy.
 
FAQ:
No I don't hate Americans or British people (the same thing).
No I don't hate non-Muslims nor do I think it is 'okay' to kill them.
No I don't 'want Sharia law in your country' (do you even know how retarded the concept of anyone wanting to live under Sharia law is? Don't be fucking retarded. You people are supposed to be educated.)
*Actually I dislike Muslims more than most, note: Muslims, not Islam (Umm, what?).
 
Hey anon. Wow, I didn’t even know there was any internet in Afghanistan.
We do have the internet in Afghanistan. It sucks dick and is expensive though, and slow as hell compared to what you get in the west.
 
Okay, well going back to what you said about hating Muslims but not Islam? How the hell does that even make any sense?
I never said I hate all of them. I dislike most of them as I dislike overly religious people in general. They are generally uneducated and a lot more vocal then need be. I’m Sunni myself but the educated Shia at least are pretty awesome.
 
Okay, well I never really cared enough to learn about all the different sects and what ‘Sunni’ and ‘Shia’ even mean to be honest. Aren’t you all Muslims? What changes between the groups?
One group believes that the caliphate was right; the other believes that Big Mo's family was right. Or something like that, I completely forgot when I disassociated myself with the religion. I think it comes down to being split between one group believing what the prophet's family/direct descendants preached whereas others believe what Ali preached.
 
Oh right, so it’s like offshoots of the same thing.
To be honest all religions are essentially the same, only the characters and rituals differ, the principles are basically the same. Between the Sunni and Shia, the Shia believe Ali was the next in line. In the Sunni denominations, the main splits are between four ‘schools of thought’, essentially how literally you take the Quran. Some sects take it all too literally, others take it as metaphor. Keep in mind that Islam involves all the same prophets up until one past Jesus, so we all believe in the same wonky stories.
 
Have you interacted with US Troops or US Contractors? How were you treated?
Nope, I haven't. I'm too paranoid to, I speak English [with an American accent] and Pashto, certain people already think I'm a spy because I get around a lot and know lots of people. I really wouldn’t want to get in too deep with either side, both are crazy.
 
From stuff we were talking about before it seems like you’re pretty familiar with western pop culture, TV shows and books and what not but what about the rest of the people out there? Do people watch Hollywood movies and recognize the big stars? Or is there a national production house or something?
I do because I lived in the west before.  People here aren’t really into movies and video games but Hollywood action films and the general style is popular over here. We have E! Entertainment dubbed into Farsi. A lot of the upper class type kids groom and dress themselves in a similar fashion but that’s only at private parties and such, not in everyday life. There is no national production house or production of anything other than the massive Heroin exportation racket ran by the government. The president’s brother is the biggest exporter in the country. Bastard.
 
I support the war on terror and buy Heroin every day.
I support the war on terror. I think you need to behead the snake though, hang the Saudis. Also Heroin is the devil. I like drugs, but Heroin just fucks you up. Choose life.
 
So how long have you been out there? Is there anything fun to do? And where can I get one of those cool outfits with the baggy pants and the super long shirt?
I’ve been here nearly five years now. Is very boring, there’s literally nothing to do, ever. That’s why I spend all my life on the internet. Other than that, work out, watch television, and get stoned. There is a war going on but these days wars are more spread out and sporadic. Now and again there’s action but rarely does lightning strike twice. The news teams work their asses off to make this place seem exciting.
The outfit with the long shirt is a Kurta; it’s considered pretty flashy attire around here. Maybe the sort of thing you’d wear for a wedding or something ‘Sal war Kameez’. You should get a Lungi; feel the breeze on your balls. Feels good man.
 
Do you think that Afghanistan can sort its shit out eventually? Or do you think that in the absence of international interference, the civil war will continue forever? Are you hopeful, in other words?
If you had asked me even up to a year ago I would have said we were fucked for the next two decades at least. Mainly because of the Karzai government. They are corrupt bastards but because they speak several languages and own restaurant chains in the US people think they’re ‘democratic’ and therefore awesome. Money wise we the people are still fucked for the foreseeable future, despite the one trillion in resources, you should wiki the ‘resource curse’. Basically it’s a paradox where the more resources you have the more likely they are to be stolen and sold to someone somewhere miles away and the more likely the general populace is to lack resources.

 

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Comments

  • Guest: zara-luv
    Fri 20 - Aug - 2010, 17:40
    very interesting story

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