Listen up, guys, we have a crisis on our hands. It’s the worst thing to happen to humanity since we all had to watch Sky News report on piles of cows being incinerated, a bovine holocaust in front of our very eyes. The Ebola virus is coming for you, it’s coming for your girlfriend, it’s coming for your dad. Your dad is going to get Ebola and he’s still going to be drinking down the Duck and Swan, just with a colostomy bag filled with goopy blood taped around his waist. Truly, it is a time for fear and looting.
But maybe it’s not so bad. The great thing about a worldwide pandemic is that it has the chance to touch everyone’s hearts, from children to the elderly. It’s the equal opportunity killer, it doesn’t care what background you’re from, or what economic status you hold, it just wants to liquidise your kidneys. If we’re going to be cowering in fear in our germ free bunkers, covered from head to toe in Japanese surgical masks, let’s at least take solace in the fact that some real dickheads are going to die. The following is a list of five people who we’d like to see melt from the inside out.
Tom Metzger is a big, fat, old cunt who is the leader of the White Aryan Resistance (or WAR) in the United States. Metzger’s discrepancies don’t just come from the fact that he supposedly hates the Jews, the blacks, the Mexicans and all those guys, but he can’t even do it properly. In the Louis Theroux documentary ‘Louis and the Nazis’, Metzger cuts the figure of a befuddled geriatric, meandering around south America with an oversized sombrero on, flirting with hispanic waitresses. Come on mate, if you’re going to write a newsletter and do a radio show about how all non-aryans should die, at least stick to your guns when someone tries to serve you a quesadilla.
Anyone On A List Entitled ‘Funniest People To Follow On Twitter’
With jokes like these, you can see why TechnicallyRon is the second funniest guy on Twitter!
If, like me, you live for the laughs, then you’ll be starkly aware of how desperately unfunny essentially everyone on Twitter is. As wired-in as I am to this website, it really is the Eden Project of anti-banter; a giant enclosure blossoming with tired memes, safe jokes, twee fascism and racism, forcing yucks, stealing gags - truly the Mecca of shite, with a million boring pricks encircling its joyless Kaaba. The Telegraph's ‘Top 30 funniest people to follow on Twitter’ is the worst culprit. Posted in November 2013, compiled by a robot called James Manning, the list is a heartbreaking ensemble of fake texts from dogs, ‘go home, X, you’re drunk’ gags, fake letters to and from corporations, David Schneider and more. If a joke won’t work in a pub, it won’t work at all, so stick your ‘clever’ puns based around the series finale of The Killing up your feverishly malted arsehole.
Tim Dawson, creator of BBC3 sitcom ‘Coming of Age’
I’ve got a semblance of sympathy for Tim Dawson. He was still a teenager when he wrote Coming of Age, a bottomless pit of minge, fart and cock gags, centered around a group of sixth formers who can emote about as well as Terri Schiavo. But what he did, in the errs of youth or not, is create the single worst sitcom of all time. Coming of Age is more unwatchable than a low-res beheading video. It’s like a school play that’s been shot with bizarrely good quality cameras, and has been written by the students and performed to no one, as a kind of backwards non sequitur joke. I remember watching it alone and being genuinely disturbed by how bad it was. How did this get past anyone? How did it go on for three whole series? It makes Two Pints of Lager and A Packet of Crisps look like a Mel Brooks film. Tim mate, I’m sorry, but your bowels and liver are going into an ebola riddled Room 101.
Mr. Richards, My Physics Teacher
For legal reasons, we couldn't include a photo of Mr. Richards. For SEO reasons, here's a photo of teacher Walter White, from TV's Breaking Bad.
I didn’t even fucking kick the ball that broke the window, you mug, but you’re going to put me on report anyway? Do you know how much quicker I could have completed Crazy Taxi if you didn’t fuck me over like that? My Playstation collected dust, Paul, and why? Because your newborn gave your wife post natal depression and pushed you further away from each other instead of closer together like you planned? It’s not my fault that now you’re stuck with a doughy little ball of insomnia and a borderline alcoholic spouse, I just wanted to play Nutmeg Rush and have the chance to punch Stephen Simpkiss in the head for stealing my Frube. You’re a fucking dick, Mr. Richards. Enjoy your slow, painful death.
Christ, this man is not funny. Why are Americans so unable to pick up good British things? They love Doctor Who, Downton Abbey and John Oliver. It’s like they’ve seen how twee our culture has become and gone, ‘Hey, would you look at that! I like that, let’s import the lot of it and make our TV a horrifying food processor of Anglo-American super tripe, yee haw!’ John Oliver is the nasally, posh stand up comedian ruining your date with tawdry chain-yankers about Ron Paul and Guantanamo Bay. But it’s your fault for taking your date to a fucking comedy club anyway, you dipshit. Really who I’m sick of, and ultimately want to die a terrible and untimely death, is you, reader. Fuck you. Fuck your wifi, fuck your decomposing family. I’m going full Budd Dwyer before the bug catches me.
Follow Joe on Twitter @joe_bish