Written by Archie Thomas
01 Monday 01st February 2010

Everyone knows the planet is more than a bit poorly. It’s like a perfectly bred thoroughbred horse which has been ridden into the ground by morbidly obese stable boys. As a result every polar bear lives on a tiny melting nipple of iceberg. And sometimes it gets so hot on the tube that everyone needs their own water bottle. In short, humans are sooo last millennium unless we, to quote the recently passed MJ, ‘make that change.’

Luckily, pretty much everyone has finally woken up (thanks for the alarm call Al Gore) and decided to meet in Copenhagen to sort it all out. And this is no ordinary conference where a load of dusty scientists present boring papers to hungover politicians who reek of coffee and chocolate bourbons. No, this has loftier ambitions; re-birthing the/our Earth.

The world’s press are right behind the eight ball. Today – day one of 14 – 56 major papers speaking in 20 languages ran the same front-page leader article. Given it’s a bit rainy it did get a few people down but it’s definitely still worth it. Most countries ponied up but the U.S. dragged its feet a bit; only the Miami Herald rang the alarm. Not a good show from a country where people drive 25 meters to pick up a venti caramel latte and the only cars available are gas-guzzling tanks.

Anyway, that’s enough depressing background. Where’s the fun at for thrill-seeking Cop 15 revellers? Where’s the craic for the politicians, diplomats, charity workers, and the 150,000 hacks from 180 countries? Once they’ve filed their tweet where’s the muthfuckin’ party at?

Hot action for climate scientists
The knocking shop – that’s where. Tree hugging kerb-crawlers winehousin’ for a festive treat will have a totally awesome Cop 15. Why? Because, Copenhagen's prostitutes are offering free nookie to attendees. The startling move by the ladies of the night is a counter-strike aimed at the city's mayor who is trying to stop businessmen in macs from beelining to the red lights. Which leads me to conclude that ... they’ll (obviously) solve climate change but everyone will either get an STD or have a baby. The latter will lead to mass overpopulation. And then we will have to evict the polar bears even though they look cute on calendars. Back to square one.

Climate conference guests need to focus on the environment and not the free sex

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  • Guest: juniorotamon
    Tue 07 - Dec - 2010, 03:30