GOP Debate Fails


Written by Jack Sharp
21 Monday 21st November 2011

Many people believed that this marked the end for Perry's chances at winning the GOP debates. Having been a favourite amongst Republican voters for some time, Perry suddenly didn't look like a man who should be in charge of a country. This would generally be a problem in most political party debates, but not in the current line-up of Republican presidential candidates. 

For example, candidate Herman Cain (seen below singing John Lennon’s Imagine…There’s No Pizza – a song that angrily refuses to acknowledge the message of Lennon’s original composition) has arguably made the most headlines out of all the GOP presidential candidates this month.

Due to the fact that Herman Cain is a) black, and b) a politician, some people have compared him to President Obama, despite their wildly opposing political stances. However, right-wing commentators have been very quick to point out one very notable difference between the men: Cain is simply much better and overall much blacker than Mr. Obama. “OUR blacks,” observed Fox News Pundit Ann Coulter, referring to black conservatives, “are so much better than THEIR blacks”. 

Cain made headlines in October when it was reported that two former employees had complained that he had acted inappropriately towards them. The women allegedly received financial settlements preventing them from discussing their allegations further.

After first pleading ignorance, Cain eventually “remembered more” and acknowledged that a settlement had indeed been made. Remembering more still, he finally remembered that he’d never actually met the women in question before. So sure was he of this, he even agreed to take a lie detector test – if he could find a good enough reason to do so, which he couldn’t.

Cain later suspected that the “Democrat machine” -- a hideous, self-serving socialist robot that runs on gay marriage and pro-choice -- had dreamt up the accusations. Anti-gun, the Democrat machine chooses to fight Herman Cain with questions that he doesn’t know the answer to, rather than bullets.

In the video above you can see the Democrat machine in action once again, defecating on freedom and suffocating the hopes and dreams of Herman Cain. To summarise: Cain disagrees with the way Barack Obama (their black) handled Libya, whatever one of those is.

Cain, of course, isn’t the only presidential candidate to be attacked by the Democrat machine. Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum has also fallen victim to its relentless, anti-American rhetoric.

In 2003, sex columnist Dan Savage began a campaign to coin a definition for the former Senator’s surname, after Mr. Santorum appeared to compare homosexuality to bestiality and paedophilia in one highly controversial interview.

The winning definition: “Santorum n. The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.”

The definition was immediately much more popular than Rick Santorum ever was, eventually overtaking Rick’s campaign website as the number one search result for his name on Google. A new dance craze was even born, and soon the whole of America was doing the Santorum!

Unfortunately for Rick, considering that the third result on Google for the word “jew” is currently an anti-Semitic website that promotes Holocaust denial, it seems unlikely that will be bumped from Google anytime soon. Regardless, Santorum wasn’t happy with, demanding that Google intervene. He claimed that things would be very different if he were a liberal rather than a conservative - that minority group who have seen their fair share of persecution.

The whole thing raises one very interesting question: is Rick Santorum more important than all Jews? If Rick Santorum is to be believed, then quite possibly, yes.

Another candidate who has repeatedly made headlines during the GOP debates, is Michele Bachmann, the wife of a man who runs a “pray the gay away” “clinic”. Using his highly unorthodox methods, Mr. Bachmann absorbs (or sucks, if you will) the homosexuality directly out of his patients, weaning them off of same-sex relationships and onto normal, completely non-creepy relationships, like the one that Mr. Bachmann shares with his wife.

Bachmann recently fell victim to the Democrat machine when she claimed that the HPV vaccine, which protects against a sexually transmitted disease that can lead to cervical cancer, might cause “mental retardation”. “There’s a woman who came up crying to me tonight after the debate. She said her daughter was given that vaccine,” Bachmann told Fox News. “She told me her daughter suffered mental retardation as a result.”

The director of the Center for Bioethics at the University of Pennsylvania bet Bachmann $10,000 that she could not prove her claim that the vaccine causes mental retardation. Bachmann is yet to provide evidence, despite having an excellent understanding of science.

Bachmann has previously been quoted as saying: "Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas." Which, of course, is why it’s not only a natural by-product, but also a delicious one.

Finally, I’ll leave you with the wise words Mr. Herman Cain, which ring particularly true, especially during these difficult times: “If you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!” Or, alternatively, blame the Democrat machine. Whatever, it’s your choice.

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